The Cheap-Arse Film Review #32-33- "FLESH GORDON" & "FLESH GORDON 2."

TITLES: FLESH GORDON; FLESH GORDON 2

RATED: 18

RELEASED: 1974; 1989

WRITTEN BY: MICHAEL BENVENISTE (FLESH GORDON); HOWARD ZIEHM & DOUG FRISBY (FLESH GORDON 2)

DIRECTED BY: MICHAEL BENVENISTE & HOWARD ZIEHM (FLESH GORDON); HOWARD ZIEHM (FLESH GORDON 2)

STARRING: JASON WILLIAMS, SUZANNE FIELDS, JOSEPH HUDGINS, WILLIAM HUNT (FLESH GORDON); VINCE MURDOCCO, ROBYN KELLY, TONY TRAVIS, WILLIAM HUNT (FLESH GORDON 2)

GENRE: SCI-FI SEX COMEDY

BOUGHT FROM: THE SALVATION ARMY

PRICE: 33p EACH

(WARNING: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG)(Longer than usual, I mean)(That's what she said)(I know I've made that joke before. I'm going to keep making it until somebody laughs)

Okay, first things first, a couple of things to get out of the way- firstly, these movies actually cost thirty-three-and-a-third pence, as I purchased both of them and a CD for £1.00 altogether. I just rounded up because if I have to start adding fractions and decimal points to these things, I may never be seen again. And secondly, yes, I find the fact that I bought these two particular movies from The Salvation Army as funny as you do. Clearly, standards are not what they used to be for that particular organisation.

I've actually had these two movies for a while, but I put off covering them for a really silly reason- I was afraid I was turning into That Guy. You see, there was a point not too long ago where it seemed like I was covering alot of movies with explicitly sexual themes and scenes. "Vampire Killer Barbys." "Cheerleader Massacre." Hell, even "Down With Love" had it's mind completely in the gutter. At the time I was worried that I was doing too many of those sorts of films and that I was coming across as some sort of pervert, but I just shrugged and told myself not to be foolish.

Then one of my Facebook friends contacted me to tell me she'd just read one of my reviews. At first I was pleased, because I always get a kick out of knowing one of my friends has read my stuff. And she told me she enjoyed what she'd read, which filled me with pride (my chest may even have swelled, though I can't totally be sure about that one). But then she said that it was obvious I was, "a very sexually-minded person," and my heart sank. All the effort I put into these things, and all she really picked up on was the fact that I make alot of dirty jokes. To me, this was proof that I was turning into That Guy, and I decided to nip that in the bud by being a bit more selective about what I reviewed for a while. Like I said, I was being silly, and almost certainly over-sensitive. I'm over it now, though. Fuck it if I come across as That Guy, films like this are fun to write about, and if I deny myself that because of some stupid complex, then there's more wrong with me than just being That Guy.

I think I'm one of the only people I know that hasn't seen at least one of these movies before. I've been aware of them for years, from an early age most of my friends had copies stashed away in some little nock or cranny, hidden away from the eyes of their parents. You could almost subtitle the first movie, "Fisher-Price: My First Porn Flick." But I never had any desire to watch it. I think it's the title, or more accurately, the use of the word, "flesh." It always just made me skin crawl. I know it's supposed to be a parody of "Flash Gordon," and I know what kind of imagery it's supposed to invoke, but whenever I saw that title, all I could see were cuts and gore and slabs of meat (how many times do I have to say this, I was a weird kid). Even today, whenever I hear that word, the first thing that comes to mind is all the psycho-sexual mind-fuckery of "Videodrome." In a way, I suppose that's part of the reason I was looking forward to writing about these two as much as I was- I'm making up for lost time, experiencing something I should have done a long time ago, were it not for my own perplexing hang-ups.

The movie begins in a much more sedate manner than I was expecting. The first thing we see isn't really part of the movie at all, but is rather one of those "let's-just-cover-our-arses-just-in-case" disclaimers proclaiming this to be inspired by the great old-school superhero serials, whilst adding a touch of the burlesque to the proceedings. I understand why they did this, but at the same time it comes across as a bit pretentious. Be honest fellas, you're not paying tribute to the swashbuckling superhero genre, you're just making a porno parody of the old "Flash Gordon" serials. Following this, we're quickly thrust into the main body of the plot (such as it is)- a red ray from Outer Space is periodically hitting Earth, causing anybody to be hit by it to be engulfed in a sexual frenzy so rampant that orgies just spontaneously erupt. All is not lost though, as the man who first discovered the Sex Ray, Professor Gordon, alerts the world's media via a press conference that his hockey-player son has somehow made a discovery about the ray (quite how he did this is never explained) and was travelling back to America in order to help combat it.

After an animated credits sequence that looks like something Terry Gilliam could have created just by sneezing, we're now on a plane, where the first two-thirds of our heroic trio or introduced to us- Dale Ardor (Suzanne Fields) and, of course, Flesh Gordon (Jason Williams). Like almost everything about this movie, they're both parodies from "Flash Gordon," but the thing is, they've not been particularly clever about it. I keep trying to work out if "Dale Ardor" is supposed to be some kind of play on words, like a double-entendre, but I don't think it is, I just think it's a name they came up with that's close enough to the name of the original character, but different enough so they won't get sued. And with Flesh they got lazy by just having that be his name. In the original movie, it's made very clear that "Flash" is just a nickname. I think the character's name is actually Steve or something like that. But here they can't be bothered with that, so his name's just Flesh. His Momma decided that'd be a good handle for her first-born son. Sure. Why not? It's also obvious from the second he opens his mouth that Jason Williams is so wooden an actor that I'm amazed they allowed him to have any sex scenes, just incase the friction caused him to burst into flames and burn down the set.

The plane is of course his by the Sex Ray, and a carnal free-for-all kicks off, with even the pilots abandoning their duties to join in (surprisingly, this scene is the first one to feature nudity of any kind, and we're over eight minutes in at this point). Flesh seems unaffected, however, and tries to save the plane. When it becomes obvious that this mission is a fruitless one, he abandons ship... um, plane, parachuting to an an island with a now semi-clothed Dale (who of course grabbed hold of his waist and started thanking him on the way down by, um... going down). As it turns out, the Island they land on conveniently happens to house the work station of Dr. Flexi Jerkoff (Joseph Hudgins, who redeems himself for his his awful Sean Connery impression by providing the movie with it's lone awesome beard), who, in a classic META OUTTA NOWHERE scene where they spend a good two minutes summing the plot up to each other for no apparent reason, has built a rocket in order to travel into Space and stop the Sex Ray at it's source, and recruits Flesh and Dale to be part of his crew.

The ship of course looks like a dick. At first, this wasn't funny, because even in a movie like this, it's a very obvious joke to make. However, as the movie went on, it got funnier, for one simple reason- as soon as the reach the planet Porno (yes, the planet's named Porno), almost everything that looks even vaguely phallic is shaped to resemble penis, and no explanation is given for this, save for the fact that things are now taking place on a planet called Porno, so what do you expect? But here, the screenwriter felt the need to have Jerkoff say the ship's design had been influenced by the effects of the Sex Ray. I found that so hilarious, that everything else was allowed to resemble a cock without so much as one question being asked, but they felt the need to give a reason for why the rocket looks like one, as if that was going too far.

So off they go into space, where of course things don't quite go according to plan- first the ship is blasted by the Sex Ray, and I don't think I need to tell you what happens at this point (even Flesh is effected, even though the scene of the plane seemed to hint that it had no effect on him. INCONSISTENT STORYTELLING!). Then, as they approach Porno, they're ship is discovered, and the planet's ruler, for the moment shrouded in secrecy, orders the ship be taken down. They're shot from the sky by a rival craft, and it's only the quick thinking and actions of Flesh fixing the damage that allows them to perform an emergency landing. Once down, they regroup, and Jerkoff finally gives Dale a dress to wear. What does it say about this movie and its effect on me that this women has been standing around stark naked since the Sex Ray incident, and I barely noticed? I was going to make a snarky comment here about how he could have given her that dress ages ago, but as Jerkoff hands it to her, he says the line, "It was my mother's, she was buried in it," and all is forgiven.

Upon discovering that the planet has a breathable atmosphere (by opening the door to the ship and taking a big lungful of air), Flesh and crew are immediately set upon by three dudes dressed like extras from "Sparticus." Actually, that description in an insult to the production values of that movie. Let's just say they're unbelievably camp (and if their introduction is anything to go by, they have trouble walking on anything that's not a flat, hard surface) and leave it at that. Our heroic trio run into a cave for cover, only to be attacked once inside by one-eyed creatures (shaped like dicks) that Jerkoff christens "some kind of Penisaurus." These creatures are brought to life using stop-motion animation, and call me crazy, but I think they look quite good. There's alot of stop-motion work in this movie, and it's clear that alot of time and effort has gone into making these sequences look as good as they possible can, and it helps to give the creatures real personality and charm. As adversaries, the Penisaurus' aren't really up to much, all they can really do is nuzzle people, especially Dale, who I'm sure I heard tell one of them during her hysterical shrieking, "YOU STINK!" That's just... ew.

In the end, they prove enough of a distraction for the team to be captured, and brought before the planet's ruler, Emperor Wang The Perverted (William Hunt). I don't need to tell you who he's a parody of, do I? Actually... the only real resemblance this character has to Ming The Merciless is purely superficial, due to the fact that he's been made to look a bit like Fu Manchu, right down to the fact that he's seemingly puffing on an Opium pipe (that looks like a dick). As a character though, he's a million miles away from the cold, distant and, erm, merciless being that was Ming. If anything, watching Hunt's performance brings back memories of Cecar Romaro's turn as The Joker in the old "Batman" TV series- he's a giggling, insane lunatic, calling everyone who displeases him a "dildo." He's having a blast, and it's quite fun to watch. He has some competition in the scenes set in his Throne Room though, and especially this scene, as there's an orgy going on around him at all times in this location, and in a few of shots, I caught sight of a few couples... really going for it. Know what I mean?

It's here that out heroes are briefly split up- Jerkoff is taken to Wang's laboratory, so that his scientific knowledge can be put to use; Dale is to be married to Wang as soon as humanly possible, and Flesh? Well, his fate was initially that he be taken to The Sex Depletor (which I assume is is what powers the Sex Ray, but that's never really revealed. Nor is the reason why Wang is attacking Earth- when asked, his only reply is, "I'll tell you later." He never does), but due to the pleas Amora, Queen Of Darkness and Guardian Of The Power Pasties (I'd say that's a mouthful, but I'm saving that joke for later...), he is instead thrown into the Arena, where he must survive Trial By Ordeal in order to be taken into her custody. The "Ordeal" consists of him being set upon by three scantily-clad (naturally) feral women who claw at him, ripping his clothes from his body (clothes rip really easily in this movie. It's like the were designed by The Chippendales or something). He comes through the other end of this, and Amora runs excitedly towards him, exclaiming, "HE'S MINE! HE'S MINE!" and teleporting away with his naked, unconcious body to her ship. What does she plan to do with him?

Fuck him, of course. What else?

To be fair, their love scene is actually the only one in the entire film I think comes anywhere near actually being sexy, as they use all the soft porn trick, such as low lighting and seductive music. It almost feels like a scene from a very different movie that somebody edited into this one for a laugh. It couldn't last though, as Wang sends one of his ships to blast Amora's out of the sky, killing her in the process. Flesh survives, and is reunited with Jerkoff after he too manages to escape. They are then visited by the ghost of Amora, who gives to them the Power Pasties, which are basically nipple-shaped diamonds that shoot lasers when worn on somebody's chest, which Jerkoff chooses to brandish (the sight of him threatening people by lifting up his shirt never fails to get a chuckle out of me). Once Flesh has finally been outfitted with the iconic costume he's seen wearing on the box art, they rush back to Wang's castle to try and save Dale, interrupting perhaps the second strangest wedding ceremony ever, behind David Gest and Liza Minnelli's. Then, in the commotion, Dale is whisked away again, by another unknown assailant. This is like Kidnap Tag or something.

As it turns out, she'd been captured by the The Amazon Underground of Porno (and yes, before you ask, the Amazons are lesbians), lead by Chief Nelly, a cigar chomping woman with an eye-patch and a metal leg. Apparently word had reached her organisation of Dale and co.'s opposition to Wang's rule, and had decided to initiate Dale into her group against her will. And the way they do this is to sexually assault her. Seriously. They strap her to a table and have one of their number climb on top of her and start writhing around. And at one point she's pretty much sitting om her face. I wasn't surprised to see some sapphic action, but... surely it could have been brought up in a... nicer way? It's not like this is some intense, gritty drama. This is Flesh Gordon, for Christ sake. Eventually Flesh and Jerkoff show up to save Dale, and following a fight with another cool stop-motion character, this one looking like a cross between a Velociraptor and a Beetle, they're saved by what is revealed to be the true resistance movement on this planet, lead by Price Precious. Precious, you see, is the planet's true ruler, but was ousted by Wang, who we find out had his package eaten by a Penis Fly Trap (*groan*), and staged an uprising with an army of impotent soldiers. Flesh and his friends decide to join forces with Precious, with Flesh saying he'll do anything to repay Precious for saving his life just now. Precious smiles, puts his hand on Flesh's shoulder, then we're on his ship and OH MY GOD HE'S BLOWING HIM! FLESH IS LYING NAKED ON A BED AS PRECIOUS LIES IN FRONT OF HIM VERY OBVIOUSLY GOING DOWN ON HIM! Well... I can safely say I wasn't expecting that. I guess when Flesh said he'd do anything, he was saying a mouthful (see?)

Anyway, back at the Forest Kingdom, which is where Precious' resistance reside, a plan is formed to destroy the Sex Ray, involving harnessing the powers of the Power Pasties to blow it up, as he demonstrates on a scale model (shaped like a dick).The plan is foiled however, as a spy Wang has planted in Precious' ranks steals one of the Pasties as they're flying towards their target, and the ship is destroyed, seemingly killing everyone inside. In a clever little wink to tho original source material they're parodying, we get a brief intermission, complete with narrator asking us to tune in soon to see how our heroes get out of this one. We're then shown that, moments before the destruction of the ship, they all managed to bail out, using umbrellas as parachutes. I wish I could come up with a decent Mary Poppins joke to use here. There's a little bit of sword action and fisticuffs with the guards (including a wrestling-style Double-Axehandle being used), and the foursome find themselves back in the castle, only to be flushed down a giant toilet. Believing them to finally be done in, Wang celebrates by putting together a naked Conga Line, singing a song that has only one lyric ("FLESH GORDON IS DEAD!"), and putting the Power Pastie he had stolen... inside someone. Please don't make me go into details with this, you can work out what he did yourselves. It doesn't stay there long though , as of course Flesh and his friends survived their gigantic swirling and retrieved it (by shaking the poor girl in a most undignified manner).

It's at this point we're introduced to what I think may be one of the greatest creatures to ever grace cinema. He doesn't have a fancy name, he's just referred to by most fans as The Monster.He doesn't even look all that special, just like a massive Gargoyle. But it's the personality they gave him, coupled with his voice they gave him (provided by Craig T. Nelson), that elevates him to legendary status. He sounds like an aging, slightly bored pick-up artist that knows he can still get lucky with any bright young thing at the bar, and as such everything he says is pure comedy gold. It's really hard to resist the temptation to just transcribe every line of dialogue he utters. Amongst fans, "Up yours, Flesh" (accompanied by The Finger) and "OH THE PAIN! THE HUMILIATION! THE HEMORRHOIDS!" (follow getting shot with a lazer in the arse) are favourites, but to me the character was summed up by two other moments- his exasperated "Oh fuck..." when Flesh manages to evade him, and, once he picks up Dale King Kong-style, he shows off his abode to her with the words, "This is The Tower Of Murder. It's where I hang out." He's so fucking awesome! I was actually sad to see him die, as he's brought down onto Wang's castle, blowing it to smithereens. After that, the movie's over, as Flesh and co. travel back to Earth, with the promise of a sequel, "The Perils of Flesh," coming soon.

I had alot more fun watching this than I thought I was going to. I thought I'd find it childish and crass, and I do, I'm not going to lie. It's also not really sexy or arousing at any point, save the one scene between Flesh and Amora. It's no wonder so many of my friends watched it when they were younger, because you really would have to be young to get off on anything here. But beyond that, you can tell that alot of care and attention went into the making of this. It feels alot like an old forties sci-fi serial, just... with full-frontal throughout. In many ways it may be more true to the its origins than the eventual "Flash Gordon" movie was, and this is coming from someone who really loves that film (except for the part where the dude's eyes fall out of his head. That's just gross). It comes across as a real labour of love, and by the end the enthusiasm is just infectious. Plus it had a Monster in it that at one point pleads with his foes to, "Stop... look... listen." I can't throw away a movie where that happens. I just can't.

FINAL VERDICT

KEPT!

Until next week, I'm The Cheap-Arse Film Critic, and...

... bollocks, I've got another one to do, haven't I?

Actually, I'm going to slightly break from format and not cover the entire film from beginning to end (I mean come on, seriously, how long do you want these things to be?), but rather, since this is the first time I've watched two films in a series back-to-back, I'm going to compare and contrast the them to try and accurately explain why the second movie fails. And believe me, "Flesh Gordon 2" (or, to give it its full title, "Flesh Gordon 2: Flesh Gordon Meets The Cosmic Cheerleaders") fails. It fails miserably.

But before I get into that, BOX REVIEW! Not of the front of the box this time, as is the usual with these. No, instead, I'm going to write down what's written on the back of the box. Why? Because I think in its own way, it may be genius, and it's also the best thing about this whole film, so I feel I have to bring it up. So without further ado...

"FLESH IS BACK! BIGGER THAN EVER (BA-DOOM KISH), RISING ONCE AGAIN TO SAVE THE UNIVERSE (BA-DOOM KISH)! WHICH IS JUST AS WELL, AS PLANET EARTH IS FACING ITS MOST DEVASTATING CRISIS TO DATE... GALACTIC IMPOTENCE (BA-DOOM KISH)!! FLESH AND HIS SUCKULENT (see what they did there?)(BA-DOOM KISH) GIRLFRIEND, DALE ARDOR, HEAD OFF IN DR. FLEXI JERKOFF'S TIT-SHAPED FLYING SAUCER (no, that's not getting a BA-DOOM KISH, because it's not a pun, it's just saying the word "tit"), TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO SUPER SEX HERO HAS BEEN BEFORE, THROUGH A BELT OF FARTING ASSTEROIDS (BA-DOOM KISH), TO A STARNGE PLANET. THERE THEY MEET THE RAMPANT COSMIC CHEERLEADERS, LED BY BUSTY ROBUNDA HOOTERS (no, this isn't getting one, either). TOGETHER THEY CROSS THE MAMMARY MOUNTAINS (nope), ONLY TO FACE SUCH CHARACTERS AS THE MASSIVE PENETRATOR (... alright, BA-DOOM KISH), THE BABY PEOPLE OF THE G-SPOT CAFE (WAT?), SLIMEY TURD PEOPLE (ew), QUEEN FRIDGED (BA-DOOM KISH) AND HER HUSBAND, THE EVIL PRESENCE (um...), THE COLD BITCHES (BA-DOOM KISH) MASTER BATOR (seriously? I thInk we were making that joke when we were 11)... AND IF YOU THINK THAT'S A MOUTHFUL (STOP STEALING MY GAGS!) MEET THE OCTOPUSSY EATER (BA-DOOM KISH)... HAS FLESH COME IN TIME (BA-DOOM KISH)!? TO FIND OUT, TURN ON AND TUNE IN FOR AN ADVENTURE OUT OF ALL PROPORTIONS(BA-DOOM KISH?)."

Okay, with that out of the way, on with the shit.

Okay, let's start with the characters. Since this film was released a staggering 15 years after the original, it's perfectly understandable that they had to recast three of the main roles (William Hunt is the only member of the original cast to return, reprising his role as Emperor Wang, although he spends most of the film covered from head-to-toe as the aformentioned Evil Presence). However, it's like they had a checklist of all the things the three original leads brought to the table, and then went out and found three people that had none of those things. I'll start with the least offensive that being Robyn Kelly, replacing Suzanne Fields as Dale. It's not like this role had much depth to it in the first film. Dale was really just there to get kidnapped and fawn over Flesh. However, Fields managed at least to portray the character in a way that didn't make me want to take the disc out of my player and burn it. Robyn, on the other hand, is so fucking annoying, almost from the first moment we see her. All she does is mug in the most over-reactive, bad-sitcom sense of the word.

But like I said, of the three, she the least-offensive. I actually can't decide who I think is worst out of Flesh and Jerkoff, I change my mind everytime I go to start typing. I guess I'll talk about Flesh. I know I ragged on Jason Williams' performance when covering the first film, but if I'm honest, by the end, I'd sort-of warmed to the lug and his Oak-like delivery. There was an honesty to his performance, which is a word I wouldn't think for one second to use to describe Vince Mudocco's take on the character. You know those annoying surfer dudes you saw in movies all the time in the eighties? With their grating "Whoa dude!" personalities? Well, that's Vince Murdecco. That's all he seems to be capable of providing at all times. And he's just as wooden as Williams was, but if anything he's worse, because you got the sense at least that Williams knew he wasn't very good. Murdocco however is the kind of wooden you suspects thinks it's being really expressive and characterful. God he fucking annoyed me. I'll give him props for his hair, though. He was sporting one hell of a mullet throughout the entire movie.

And so finally we come to Flexi Jerkoff. In the first movie, I thought overall Joseph Hudgins did a fine job with the role. He seemed to understand that things are sometimes funnier when you don't play them for laughs, so he went through the whole film essentially playing things straight. But Tony Travis... God fucking damn Tony Travis... he plays Jerkoff as just your typical, borderline mad scientist, to the point that he's practically a cartoon. And his Scottish accent! I'm so sorry I said anything bad about Hudgins' attempt at it in the first movie, because compared to what Travis can muster, he is Sean Connery. Of course no everything that's wrong with these characters is down to the people playing them, alot of it is the the fault of the writing as well. It's like the writers couldn't remember what these characters acted like the first time around, so they created new characters and just gave them the old character's names- Dale is more ballsy, which I suppose is an upgrade, Flesh now has the kind of "Woah dude!" demeanour usually only reserved for surfers and Bill & Ted, and once again, Jerkoff gets it in the backside the worst- he went from being a fairly dignified character that the had to create a reason for why he'd make a rocketship shaped like a penis, to a man who now bills himself as a "Titty Scientist," who ever creates things to improve women's breasts, or makes things in the shape of them.

So with the characters ruined, lets move onto the overall presentation of the movie. The first one had a very grainy, soft-focus look to it, which I think aided it- it helped in the intergration of the stop-motion effects with the live-action footage, and it also just looked and felt right, considering they were spoofing material from about twenty-or-thirty years previously. Here, you get the feeling everyone involvedwas out to impress, seeing as they were bring the franchise back from the dead, and were aiming high with regards to production values. Which is great. However... it only makes sense to aim high when you have the budget to aim high. The first "Flesh Gordon" managed to look okay because they clearly aimed low and made some good, intelligent choices on what to spend the money on. With the second one, I get the feeling everyone went mental, and as a result you have a film that undoubtably cost more, but feels somehow cheaper. It's just so bright and loud and gaudy. A word of advice- if you must watch this movie, don't watch it on a PS3, or any other upscaling DVD player. I did, and there were some scenes that were so bright they were almost painful to look at. The special effects all look like utter shit, too, to the point where they managed to get something wrong that they got right the last time- they use stop-motion animation for an alien that Flesh fights at the very beginning of the film, but due to it's surrounding, this time it looks crap, and cheap, and totally out-of-place. I felt sad for it. I felt sad for a lump of Play-Dough.

And so finally, we come to the plot. Frankly, it's a mess. Like the blurb on the back of the box said, it involves the planet being engulfed by radiation that renders all the males impotent. That's fine, it's sort-of the reverse of the plot from the first one. Just have Flesh go to the planet and destroy the Ray like he did before. Keep it simple. But no, this time, we have people coming after Flesh for their own reasons, most of them involving his cock, which is now massive, despite that never being mentioned in the first one, and infact in the few full-frontal scenes we got of the character back then, he was just a normal dude in that department. But no, the plot calls for him to have a huge dong, so by God, he has a huge dong. The Cosmic Cheerleaders of the title want him because none of the men of their planet can perform anymore, and Wang/The Evil Presence wnts him so he can have it grafted onto himself, so that he now has the only working Willy in the cosmos. See? a total fucking car crash, and needlessly complicated. Not to mention this script is much more foul-mouthed than the first one. It clearly wasn't created as entertainment for the whole family, but I can recall only three curses in the whole of "Flesh Gordon," both at the very end, two of them spoken by the same character. Here, it feels like not a second goes by without somebody saying fuck or shit or cock of something similar. I felt... grubby watching it. I didn't get that feeling from the first one.

Oh, and skipping right to the end, they stop The Impotence Ray by putting a condom on it.

Heard enough?

FINAL VERDICT

BINNED!

And with that, I'm out. I really do sincerely want to apologise for this bloody thing taking so long. There were circumstances, some beyond my control, some not, if I'm completely honest. I'm just happy and slightly humbled that you've stuck with me. Now I know I can be a week late regularly.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

... Sort of.

Until next week, I'm The Cheap-Arse Film Critic, and long live The New Flesh!