Monday, 16 February 2009

The Cheap-Arse Film Review #20- "CHEERLEADER MASSACRE."


NAME: CHEERLEADER MASSACRE

RATED: 18

RELEASED: 2003

WRITTEN BY: LENNY JULIANO & BILL LANGLOIS MONROE (UNCREDITED)

DIRECTED BY: JIM WYNORSKI

STARRING: A BUNCH OF NONDESCRIPT CHANCERS

GENRE: EROTIC SLASHER

BOUGHT FROM: POUNDLAND

PRICE: A COUPLE OF POM-POMS

AHA! Bet you thought I was joking at the end of the last review, didn't you? This'll learn ya.

I'm just going to come out and say something that will probably end up getting my bloke license revoked- I've never understood the the whole appeal of the cheerleader's uniform, and actually find some men's obsession with it to be a bit... creepy (I sometimes imagine the kind of fanmail Hayden Panettiere must recieve and shudder). Maybe it's because I'm British, and as such didn't grow up with it the same way my American brothers did. To be honest I'm not that into the whole dressing up thing in general. On the days that the planets align themselves in such a way that a woman finds herself struck down with temperary insanity and thinks sleeping with me might be a decent way to spend an evening, I'm more interested in getting her out of her clothes, not convincing her to put more on. But to each their own, I suppose.

I picked this up at the same time as "Code 46" and "Vampire Killer Barbys." I think I may have picked this one up first, before spotting "Code" and getting all excited. Those of you that've been reading this from the beginning will know that a movie with a title like that was always going to hit my buttons. It sounds like good, honest, trashy fun, the kind of movie you watch in your car at some run-down drive-in with your girl sitting next to you, her face buried in your shoulder during the scary bits. Whilst researching into it a bit though, I found out that it's got a little bit of history to it, and is part of quite an interesting bloodline, being the third sequel to 1982's "The Slumber Party Massacre," (teenagers, crazy killer, power tools, you know the drill)(heh, "drill") and the first one to do away with the "Slumber Party" part of the equations. The first two sequels also have the distinction of being co-produced by legendary/infamous (delete as applicable) B-Movie creator Roger Corman, which makes me want to see them more than I do the original. I've already watched the forth in the series, may as well work my way backwards. Corman isn't on hand here sadly/thankfully, the only noteworthy member of the production crew being director Jim Wynorski, whose work includes such presumed classics as "The Breastford Wives," "The Lusty Busty Babe-A-Que," "The Davinci Coed," (GENIUS) and "Busty Cops 1 & 2."

That should tip you off that this too is, I suppose, technically an erotic horror movie. I say technically because, if you think about it, almost every slasher flick ever made could be called an erotic horror movie, what with most of them featuring (supposedly) teenaged flesh exposed and rubbing itself against other (supposed) tennaged flesh. Infact, it became such a cliche that director Geoffrey Wright decided to subvert the openly conservative nature of these sorts of movies with 2000's "Cherry Falls," which presented to movie fans what he believed was this genres first liberal killer, as he only preyed on people who weren't indulging in these activities (and if you've not seen this movie yet, you really, really should. Words can't do justice to it, believe me).

Oh, and one last thing- on the front of the box are positive quote about the movie, one complimenting it for featuring, "hot, and I mean HOT babes!" from something called Biggoria. I tried Googling it to see what I'd find, and got no joy. Never mind, it was probably what I thought it was anyway, and even if it's wasn't, I'd rather go on believing that it was.

We open with two people, a man and a woman, camping out in the forest. I think they're supposed to be teenagers, but you know how these things are. The dude seriously looks like he could easily be in his thirties. They're lying side-by-side in their sleeping bags, all cosy and lovey-dovey, when (GASP!) they hear a noise outside. The woman tells the guy to go outside and see what it was, only for him to basically say, "You must be fucking joking." I found myself wanting to cheer at that. How many times have see seen people in these kinds of movies be told to go into the dark tunnel of death, and they just do it? The fact that this dude would rather stay in the tent with his girlfriend is a refreshing change of pace. Of course if he doesn't go outside there's no movie, so in the end she grinds him down with a mixture of questioning his masculinity and showing him her boobs (first nipple sighting: 0:59). He goes outside, sees nothing, but decides it'd be funny to go back into the tent and fuck with her by saying he's seen a bear and they need to get out of there. She's intially pissed off with him, but eventually forgives him as they start kissing and caressing each other, with her breathing, "I hate you... you're an asshole...". I bet this is what sex was like between Madonna and Guy Ritchie towards the end. There's another noise, and once again the guy goes out there to have a look. I really wouldn't have left the tent this time. Anyway, he gets killed, and then the killer turns his attention to the woman, not before doing the old, "using-the-knife-to-cut-open-the-tent" trick. She runs, she screams, she trips, she dies. Cue the opening credits, which for reasons I'm still trying to figure out happen over a spotlight and two angel statues.

Even though I was only just over four minutes into it, I have to say, at this point I was pleasently surprised.
The only real complaint I had was, in the previous flicks, the killer used drills and things to take out his victims, whereas the killer here just used a knife and a big pointy stick. I mean, yes, staggeringly unoriginal it may have been, but I've seen worse acting, it looks like it's being shot by someone who knows what a camera is, and the writing even managed to subtly poke fun at the stupidity of a classic horror cliche without descending into sub-"Scream" parody. I sat there and thought to myself, "If the rest of it's like this, it might not be too bad." There's a name for what I'm about to experience here. Well, actually there isn't, but I'm about to give it one. I call it the "Halloween: Resurrection Disorder." And the reason I call it that is, when I went to see that particular movie in cinemas (I know...), I had the lowest expectations it's possible to have and still agree to see something. I mean, it had Busta Rhymes in it, for Christ sake. And then the pre-credits sequence, the first fifteen minutes, were phenomenal. I'm not exaggerating. They were tense, well shot, and featured a masterful recon to the last movie that not only gave a good reason for why Jason would still be alive after getting his head cut off, but actually made you slap you palm to your forehead and say, "OF COURSE!" It added a layer to the previous film's ending that made you want to go back and rewatch it. I was hyped, convinced this film was going to rule, against all odds. And then the rest of it, and I mean everything, was utter shit. I was so angry. How could they do that to me? How could they essentially tack a fantastic short movie on the front of this piece of trash? Why couldn't they have just presented me with crap from start-to-finish like I was expecting? Why did they have to get my hopes up?

It wasn't quite that case here. I still wasn't expcting anything that great, but now I was expecting something at the very least competent. And did they give me that?

Let's see, shall we?

We meet the aforementioned Cheerleaders next. We know that's who they are because they're practising a cheer. This is the only routine they do in the entire movie, and that may be a good thing, because to my untrained eye at least, they don't seem to be very good. Their timing's all off and they look a little like they're making it up as they'e going along, which there's a very good chance is the case, thinking about it. They all have names, but I'm not going to use them, because they barely do themselves, and they do nothing character-wise to distinguish themselves from each other, which is more the fault of the writing, to be fair. The only one who's a bit more memorable is the Emo-ish one with jet black hair that looks like she walked off the set of a My Chemical Romance video. They finish and start wooping it up, before their teacher/coach/whatever Ms. Hendricks, tells them to hit the showers and get ready to get on the bus, which is leaving in fifteen minutes. Ms. Hendricks appears to be the same age as the girls she's teaching, incidently. There's a bit of a tiff between Ms. Hendricks and the head of the squad, with her being told that if she's late for practice one more time the Emo Chick will replace her, then they head towards the showers spouting mid-ninties catchphrases like they have strings in their backs that have all been pulled at the same time. "For sure!" "As if!" "Whatever!" Save me.

Then we're in the showers, as the camera man slowly pans up one of the girl's bodies from behind as she washes herself, curiously without soap, because that would run the risk of obscruing things. Then he does it again to another girl. There is no talking whilst this is going on. Eventually they do start talking, something about some dude one of the girls is going to hook up with and his tiny cock, but none of this has any baring on the plot whatsoever, it's just there to try and make this scene look a little bit less what it is, which is, "Look at the pretty ladies." We then cut from this to some hard-hitting drama, as one of the other girls and Emo Chick start talking about a girl called Marissa, and how they miss her and how it's been a year since what happened happened. Anniversaries are always a bad thing in slasher movies, have you noticed that. It's always a year after this or five years after that that shit starts to hit the fan. So I'm guessing at this point that this girl's death is going to have a major baring on the plot. This is telegraphed by the rest of the girls, having listened into this little exchange from the shadows (that is to say... from behind something), proclaiming it not good, before asking aloud where another member of their squad was today, with someone saying she'd gone camping with her boyfriend over the weekend. IT HAS BEGUN!

Following a brief scene where Ms. Hendrick's catches two guys (in the spirit of fairness and equality I'm not going to bother remembering their names, either) about to start smoking and convinces them to help load up the van, we're back in the changing room, where ominous music is playing as the camera is all shaky and handheld. I wonder, is someone about to die? As it turns out, yes they are, as the lights go out and the girl is stalked before eventually being caught. My favurite part is where a shower spontaniously comes on and the girl just looks at it in horror. "OH NO, NOT THE SHOWER!" I half expected her to somehow end up under it so her top goes see-thru. She's eventually caught, and we don't get to see her death, although later one of the girls comes into the toilet, uses her hairdryer and has a whole conversation with her as she's sitting in a stall bleeding to death. We're later told that her throat was cut and she'd been gutted, which makes no sense, because the other girl looks under the stall to see she's there before asking if it's alright to use her hairdryer (not waiting for an answer, it's worth mentioning), and the blood doesn't start dripping down until after she's looked away. She's been there like that for a while too, so surely by now there'd be blood everywhere. Also the blood looks so fake it's unbelievable. It might just be my set-up, but on my TV it reads almost purple.

In between these two scenes we see the two guys who'd been asked to help show up just as the last thing had been loaded in by Buzzy, who's played by the movie's only credited writer (i.e. The one with the least amount of sense), Lenny Juliano, who I think is credited as either Leonard Johnson or Lunk Johnson, depending on where you watch this. Normally I'd skip commenting on this, because it's such a trivial scene, but I wanted to make mention of it because Buzzy is the most memorable character in this movie. He's nothing special, just a quirky horndog, and Juliano doesn't turn in that great a performance (not that he should feel bad, because nobody does), but since all the other characters are so bland, he grabs your attention more than he usually would. It's almost as if the writer saved the best part for himself (Hush your mouth! As if any writer would ever do that!). So congratulations Mr. Juliano, you're the best thing in "Cheerleader Massacre." Also, when they guys are told there's nothing for them to do, they pile into the back of the van, which struck me as strange, because Ms. Hendrick told them to help, she said nothing about them tagging along.

The girls miss the bus, so they have to ride up to wherever it is they're going in the equipment van with Buzzy and the boys. They briefly wonder where the girl who's been gutted is, before deciding she must have got on the bus and move on with their lives. The van pulls away as the kids light up their cigarette/joint (I like how they were afraid of getting caught smoking only minutes ago, but now think nothing of sparking up in a confined space with that very same teacher), and then we're taken to the police station where one of the deputies recieves a call telling them that Jeremiah McPherson, an escaped killer, is seemingly on his way to their area, leaving a trail of dead bodies behind him. She then talks to the sherrif about what she's just been told, they talk about roadblocks, and then they head out together. Wow, that was boring. Hope there aren't too many more scens like that. Then there's another killing when a woman jogging is ordered home by her mother who's just heard about the killings, only to fall to her death when the rope bridge she's on whilst trying to take some kind of shortcut gets, um, cut. So a boring death follows a boring scene of exposition. They last few minutes have certainly been boring.

And then we're back at the police station! Well, it's a different station, with different characters, but as was said before, everyone in this movie is so bland with the exception of Buzzy, they may as well all be played by the same person. There's more talk about McPherson, and yes, it's still boring. It's all static one shots and no music, which I suppose would be fine if you're trying to make a gritty, realistic cop drama, but this is a movie called "Cheerleader Massacre." They try and liven things up after this by finally revealing what McPherson looks like. At this point we've been led to believe that he's responsible for all the killings, and the fact that we've not seen his face had me believing that there must have been something special about his appearence, like he'd been disfigured or something. But then we see him running through the woods and see that he's... an old white guy with a beard. So they either went to all that trouble for no apparent reason, or they just spectacularly telegraphed that he's not the only killer. Which one are you willing to put your money on?

So, we finally come back to the cheerleaders. You know, the ones in the title? I wouldn't blame you for forgetting. They start prattling mindlessly, with The Girl That Misses Marissa Who Died One Year Ago Today and Emo Chick discussing how much they love the snow, and how they'd like to have a cabin out in the mountains with, amongst other things, a fake bearskin rug and, "BRAD FUCKING PITT!" The guys in the back start making fun of this quitely, and I'm sure this is almost entirely improvised, because either they're really good actors, or they're really struggling to come up with things to say, the perfect examlple of this being, "Fake bearskin rug... I'll show 'em a rug... face down...". I chuckled, but I was more chuckling at them trying to think on the fly than I was anything they said. They then encounter one of the previously-mentioned roadblocks, and also one of the most monotone and bored sounding cops I've ever heard. This guy sounds like he's rather be anywhere else in the would than here right now. With their progress stopped dead and the prospect of driving all night looming, they decide to take a shortcut to get to where they need to go. I don't know why they weren't going that way anyway if it's a shortcut, but never mind.

We're back with the boring cops next, this time out in the field as they investigate the scene of the killings from the start. I was hoping a change of location would liven these scenes up a bit, but I was wrong. They just go on-and-on about footprints and forensics and how they've not arrived yet and I still don't care. All this is, is flagrant padding. There's no need for this scene to exist, the movie would work perfectly well without it. The only bit of semi-useful information we get is that McPherson would seem to be heading in the same direction as the cheerleaders, but even there, we didn't need to be told that. Oh, and there's a stale doughnuts joke. Because cops love doughnuts, don't they? And we're still not done with this! We get more exposition about McPherson, talking about how he was put away for killing eleven people twenty years ago. They then conclude that he may be heading to Monty Coltrane's place, since he was the sheriff that put him away back then, and decide to drive down there to check on him. Gee, I can't wait until they get there! I bet there'll be even more talking!

And it's the next fucking scene! We don't even get a cutaway back to the cheerleaders to break things up, we just see a fade of the cop's truck driving down a country road, then they outside Monty's place! And now they're drinking coffee and talking about Monty's bad leg! What is going on here! Where are the cheeleaders? Where is the massacre? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY OLD MEN WITH BEARD ON MY TELEVISION?! Again, we do get one bit of semi-important information when the sheriff is told about the dead body on the toilet, ad when he tells Monty about the wounds she suffered, he says that doesn't sound like McPherson's style. They're really not trying to hide the fact that there's more than one killer anymore, are they? They gave up on that rather quickly. MORE POLICE WORK!!! This time the girl who discovered the gutted cheerleader is being interviewed by another cop. Actually this scene isn't too bad, if only for the girl responding to being asked if she'd had any grudges or ex-boyfriends who'd be out to get her with, "GRUDGE?! HER INTESTINES WERE ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR AND HER THROAT WAS CUT! DOES THAT SOUND LIKE A LOVER'S QUARREL TO YOU!?" Best line of the screenplay, right there. But still, say it with me folks, THIS SCENE HAS NO REASON TO EXIST. The actress is also terrible, watching her trying to cry and attempt to emote when saying about how tomorrow was the Gutless Wonder's Birthday is embarrassing.

Oh look, the cheerleaders! And they're still in that van! And they're now as tired of it as I am, complaing about how long this is taking. Finally, the inevitable happens and the van runs out of gas, leaving them stranded up in the snowy hills. Is it going to get vaguely exciting now? Are they going to get picked off one-by-one as they try to hike their way back to civilisation? We're not going to find out just yet, because (you guessed it) it's back to the fucking police station for more filler, this time with them going through his file and realising that all his past victims were in their fourties. Okay, we get it, he's not the one killing the teenagers. I'm starting to wonder why he's even in this movie. There's finally a little bit of excitement when The bored cop from the roadblock and his female partner are both killed by McPherson (with his bare hands!), who then makes off in their cop car, but this is very brief and I get the feeling it's the most thrilling thing we're going to see for a while.

This is the point where things get a little weird, for me at least. The sheriff and his deputy visit the house of Linda, the lone survivor of McPherson's rampage twenty years ago. Now, as I've said before, I've not seen any of the prior movies, but in my research I discovered the killer from the first movie was called Russ Thorne, not Jeremiah McPherson. And it's just been established that McPherson only killed older people during his last reign of terror, so why are they now saying he tried to kill teenagers with a drill? This is just blatant fan service, inserted into the movie with a logic-be-damned mentality. With that said, I like the idea of this, and I think it's cool that they got back Brinke Stevens to reprise her role, even if I can't figure out if her strange, disconnected delivery is a stylistic choice or just the extent of her talents. And the flashback we're given is awesome, because it's actually a clip taken from the first movie, which is a nice touch, although it exposes this one totally, because it looks better (it was recorded on actual film, whereas this movie seems to have been done straight on tape, giving it the kind of look you usually associate with American day-time soap operas), and manages to be more exciting than this movie has been in 35 minutes, with a crazy man slashing at a woman's arm with a drill.

With fans of the series sufficiently blown, we find the cheerleaders and company still walking through the snow. They're starting to get worried, before they stuble across this pretty cool house in the middle of nowhere and, finding nobody home, decide to just caually break in. Buzzy looks around and proclaims that nobody's lived her "in a long time," which is funny, because when they look around the kitchen later, they find enough food to last, they say, a couple of days, including a fully-stocked fridge. It was at this point I realised the movie wasn't really trying anymore. Buzzy heads out to check on the propane and the power (the scenes of him doing this are unintentionally hilarious due to the fact that heavy wind sound effects are playing and he's acting like he's walking through a gale, yet the trees and bushes behind him aren't even slightly moving), whilst everyone else splits up to look for a phone which, once found, predictably doesn't work. So they're trapped their, but at least the power works, there's heat, and they've found a game's room, so they decide to hunker down until the storm passes and, dare I say it... have a slumber party.

And then, just when the film looks like its about to deliver what it says it wil in the title, just when the lambs have been set up for their inevitable slaughter... back to the fucking cops. This time the sheriff is played a recording of what we presume in McPherson making a threat. It's not just any threat though, oh no. This threat is made in verse.

"Once around is never enough,
I'll kill more than my share, it isn't that tough,
This time the bodies will stack up,
'Cause just like you pigs I'm calling my back-up."

A lyrcal masterpiece, I'm sure you'll agree. Geniuses that they are, they deduce that the "back-up" mentioned might mean that he's not working alone, only for the sheriff to poo-poo the idea because, "that lunatic always works alone." Always? He went on one killing spree twenty years ago! I mean yes, if you're going to be technical about it, he has always worked alone, but come on now.

Following a brief return to the house in the woods to thrillingly see the girls arrange sleeping arrangements, we get more policing, this time with the police talking to the principle of the school about the missing cheerleaders, with the sheriff deciding to go up into the hills and try to find them himself. One man in a "blizzard," against a psychotic killer? Sounds reasonable to me. Back with the sub-plot that's supposed to be the main plot, a mysterious black-gloved hand turns out the lights on the girls, who barely seem to notice. Hell of a way to build up tension. Instead, they decide to tell ghost stories, with Buzzy offering to go first as Ms. Hendrick announces that she's off to take a shower (more on this in a bit...). His story starts out as standard stuff, with two women walking through the snow, get told of a killer that's on the loose, find a girl hanging over a log with amnesia, find a deserted cabin ("Just like us!" one of the girls chimes in for anybody at home who hasn't worked that out yet), start a fire and get changed into some "nice warm clothes," which are actually scimpy pajamas that look like they offer as much protecting from the elements as they would just going naked, they hear a knock at the door, reason that a deranged killer wouldn't just knock at the door (because it's easy to predict what the insane might do), open it to see a man holding an axe, they scream, and then...

... suddenly all three girls are unstairs in the hottub, rubbing, kissing and pouring chocolate sauce on each other. And this goes on for over two minutes. Okay then. The thing that got me was, when the chocolate sauce got involved, obviously lots of it got in the water, which set my OCD off something fierce. Just the thought of having to sit there in it, when it's al brown and cloudy, and undoubtably smells all watered down, makes me feel physically ill. I must be the only man in the world who watched this scene and paid more attention to the water than the women.

The girls of course call bullshit on Buzzy's story and tell him to get his mind out of the gutter. HA! A move like this suddenly getting all indignant over sexual matters! That's a good one, especially when you take into account the next scene, which is Ms. Hendrick taking off her clothes in order to get in the shower. That's it, that's all it is. And inbetween the next couple of scenes, we cut back to her just to watch her wash herself. Now, I'm not going to stand here and be all self-righteous and pretend that I don't like looking at images of the naked female form, because I'd be lying. However, even within the context of this movie, these little cut-aways are jaw-droppingly gratuitous. Let's compare them to te other nude scenes there've been up to this point- the one with the woman showing her boyfriend her boobs in the tent. Alright, that's fine. She's supposed to be going out with him, and girlfriends show their boyfriends their breasts. Sometimes. If you're lucky. The scene of the girls in the shower... okay, that was pretty gratuitous, but at least there was dialogue there! At least there was a tiny bit of effort made. And the previous scene with the chocolate sauce, well, that was a visual representation of a story being told by a pervert. It was supposed to be absurd. The only reason this exists is to show footage of a woman soaping up her arse!

...

... I forgot why I had a problem with this. Moving swiftly on.

The inbetween scenes are in stark contrast to each other too, with one being Monty and McPherson finally meeting up and having their titanic tussle, and one of the cheerleaders coming onto one of the guys. This is this entire film in microcosm- it can't decide if it wants to be a horny slasher romp, or a serious police drama about an escaped maniac starring two old men with beards. And so begins the build to the final showdown, with Monty being shot by a rifle (which all the girls here), only to somehow survive and get off a shot of his own (which the girls think sounds closer than the last, which is impossible considering neither man had moved from the area of he original shot). Buzzy gets sent out to see what's going down, only to get distracted by the two humping teens that he spies through the window. I'll at least say it's a pretty decent little sex scene. They even start going at it doggystyle, which I'm always shocked to see in anything that's not full-on porn, because ratings boards don't usually like this posiion, because they associate it almost totally with... a sex act that makes them uncomfortable (and alot of other people too, I'm sure)(*rimshot*)(literally)(okay, I'll stop now). Of course Buzzy bites the dust whilst watching this, his blood (which still looks laughable) splattering on the window as the two inside achieve orgasm. Visual symbolism, folks.

Still, at least now it's actually something close to a slasher, which it's supposed to have been all along, and now we get the most awesome moment in the movie, which is when they hear a knock on the door and, expecting it to be Buzzy and the other guy the sent out after him, open it to find THE HEADLESS BODY OF THE OTHER DUDE STANDING THERE WITH BLOOD SHOOTING OUT OF HIS NECK LIKE A SPRINKLER AND HIS ARM LOCKED IN PLACE LIKE HE'S GIVING A BLACK POWER SALUTE!!! I mean, think about that for a second- his headless body must have marched up to the house, knocked on the door, stood there for a few seconds, the collapsed when the door was finally opened. That's exacyly the kind of brain-dead insanity I thought I was letting myself in for with this. The shit has now hit the fan, and cheerleader start getting picked off one-by-one. I'm going to skip alot of this, because it's all fairly generic stuff, and reveal who the second killer was working with McPherson- it was (DUN-DUN-DUUUUN!) The Emo Chick! Actually, we never really know for sure if they're working together, as she never mentions him, so maybe it's just a case of two two killers running around independant of each other. And what was her motivation? She's secretly a lesbian, and during a party a party one year ago, she was caught kissing Marissa (see, it all ties in!), who promply ran off and died in a car crash that seemed occur for no apparent reason other than to have her dead. And their way of dealing with her, this slight woman armed with only one gun? BLOW UP THE FUCKING HOUSE USING THE GAS OVEN AND A BOTTLE OF VODKA WITH A RURNING RAG IN IT! Overkill worthy of a Schwarzenegger movie right there, and again, exactly the kind of movie I thought I was buying.

So the story would appear to bo over, the girls are giving their stories to the police, and Monty, who was savagely beaten by Ms. Hendricks when she mistook him for the killer, is in an ambulance ready to be taken to hospital. Everything appears to be tied up... except... where's McPherson?

He's driving the ambulance, isn't he? and amongst all that carnage, he's foundthe time to shave. To be continued? Christ I hope not.

I hated this movie, butI didn't hate it for the reasons I was expecting to ate it. I was expecting to hate it because it would be all seedy and amateurish and just a bad example of low-bdget horror filmmaking, like "Camp Blood" was all the way back in review #2. But I ended up hating it because, for te most part, it was... boring. More boring than a movie called "Cheerleader Massacre" has any right being.
It tries to make up for this bu going absolutely apeshit with the sex and deaths in the last half-an-hour or so, but by then it's too little, too late. I called it filler before, but I genuinely believe that this movie could have been told in a more concise ad focussed manner had they been removed. Problem s the movie movie would have been about 40 minutes then. Not that I'd be complaining.

FINAL VERDICT

BINNED!

Oh, and one last thing- all you guys whofind the sight of a woman in a cheerleader's uniform alluring?

The never wear any.

Until next week, I'm The Cheap-Arse Film Critic, and there's a formula to it, A VERY SIMPLE FORMULA! EVERYONE'S A SUSPECT!

6 comments:

Jon said...

ok i was going to say that your "bloke license" was revoked for the comment about cheerleaders alone (you brought that on yourself) but really a bottle of Blosson Hill??? I'm sorry but I think that means it's well and truely revoked.

The Cheap-Arse Film Critic said...

It was Valentine's Day and it's all I can afford.

Redunbeck said...

They don't even wear the uniforms? What's the fucking point? And maybe I'm just a really hue perv, but lesbians (especially cheerleader lesbians!) are heroes to me and I could never buy one as the villain.

This movie sounds just plain wretched! And, sight unseen, it's made me reveal two very weird things about myself. Ain't watching it.

bjoly said...

And yet he KEPT 'Down with Love'
I think this is on my Blockbuster Que, I'm gonna have to bump it up now.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Were the actresses any good at simulating their orgasms? That's the true mark of a movie.

jeffrey said...

The cheerleader outfit is the high school equivalent of a two piece bathing suit. It's not that I'm obsessed with chicks in cheerleaders' outfits... it's just that, when an attractive female wears one, you can't help imagining what's underneath... I mean, you can almost see it (sometimes you do), and when they bounce...

I'd have to agree with Redunbeck... "Lesbian cheerleader" sounds so... delicious. Villainous? Hardly. I would have used her as a victim, work the sympathy card, that is, after working the "Lesbian cheerleader" card.