The Cheap-Arse Film Review #28- "BOTTLE ROCKET."

NAME: BOTTLE ROCKED

RATING: 15

RELEASED: 1996

WRITTEN BY: OWNE WISON AND WES ANDERSON

DIRECTED BY: WES ANDERSON

STARRING: LUKE WILSON, OWEN WILSON, ROBERT MUSGRAVE, LUMI CAVAZOS, JAMES CAAN

GENRE: COMEDY/DRAMA

BOUGHT FROM: CEX

PRICE: £1.00

I think Wes Anderson, or more specifically his movies, or even more specifically one of hi movies in particular, may have saved me from turning into a total prick.

I goes something like this- a few years ago, I was... angry. I won't go into details as to why, because they're boring and embarrassingly Emo. But I was angry, for quite a while, and because I'm not really the type to jump up-and-down and shout about things, the anger manifested itself in other ways, one of them being to develop a cartoonish sense of my own masculinity (I'd seen "Fight Club" one too many times, basically), and create a whole bunce of rules I had to abide by in order to be a man, one of which was to show as little emotion as humanly possible, because being overly-emotional was a sign of weakness (Christ...). And my big rule was I would no longer allow myself to be emotionally affected by fiction of any kind, because only a fool cared about the fate of people that weren't real.

Enter Wes Anderson. We'll, he'd already entered, I suppose. I'd been a huge fan of his movies ever since I'd seen "Rushmore," which I became interested in when I found out it'd been co-written by Owen Wilson, and was fascinated to find out what kind of movie the laid-back southern stoner dude from "Armageddon" would have a hand in creating. Suffice to say, it wasn't quite the movie I was expecting it to be. But I loved it anyway, and Anderson quickly joined the ranks of my favourite filmmakers, alongside Cameron Crowe and Kevin Smith (wow, that's a shocker isn't it, that a pop culture-obsessed nerd who doesn't know when to stop talking should love Kevin Smith's movies?). I've put this down before, but I saw "The Royal Tenenbaums" in cinemas five times, which is my own personal record (although, if I'm totally honest, three of those time happened when I was stuck on a cruise ship celebrating my sister's Birthday)(I also saw "Monster's Inc." twice whilst I was there). It was neither of those films that brought me out of the wanker hole I was slowly digging for myself, though. The honour belonged to "The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou."

Some people really don't like this movie, but I think it's wonderful, for the exact reason most of them don't- the overwhelming fakeness of the whole thing, symbolising the fact that Zissou is a man with nothing real in his life he can be proud of, that is punctured right at the very end by a wave of pure, unadulterated emotion, brought on by both the man himself's sudden epithany, and the compassion of those around him, some of whom he's treated like absolute shit for the entire film. It was this moment, and the key line of the scene, "I wonder if it remembers me," that got to me. I hadn't cried at a movie for about five years at this point. And I didn't cry here, either. I think it'd be more accurate to say that I burst. I started howling, just bawling like a hungry baby screaming for its mother's tit. Infact, I cried so much, afterwards I was so exhausted I needed a nap! It was hysterical, and I can now look back on it and laugh. But at the time I was more than a little bit confused, because I couldn't figure out what about that scene set me off. I still can't really, and now that I've had a bit of time to think about it, I don't think I want to, because whether it's the entire scene or just that one line, whatever it was... I think it might be Pandora's Box. Best left closed, for the time being at least. Anyway, it's not important, because I came out the other side feeling... better. I distinctly remember thinking to myself, "What a silly sod you've been." It's a cliche, but I guess it's true- better out than in. So I had another reason to love Anderson and his films after that.

(Humourously, because I'm not a man to do anything by halves, since that day I think the pendulum may have swung a little bit too far the other way, because now I find myself getting emotional at the silliest things. I watched the "Garfield Christmas Special" over the Holiday Season, for example, and when it got to the bit where Garfield was sitting on Granny's lap listening to her talk about her dead husband... oh God. And most recently the trailer, the bloody trailer, for Spike Jonze's adaptation of "Where The Wild Things Are" made me go a bit misty, which I blame on their use of emotive music and my own feelings of warm nostalgia whenever I think of that book. Bastards)

Considering the utter gangbang of love the above paragraphs are for the man and his work, you have every right to be surprised by the fact that I've never seen this, his first full-length feature, until now. Well, I always told myself tha I was holding out until a version with decent extras had been released (which apparently is now happening in the US as part of the absolutely fantastic Criterion Collections new Blu-Ray line), but the truth is, I was always a bit scared to watch it, because I'd been told by people who had seen it that there's a very good chance I would't like it, because alot of the things I liked about his other movies aren't present. And I didn't like the thought of not liking a Wes Anderson movie. Not at all. But at some point you've just got to suck it up and be, well, a man, haven't you?

Normally I would make a brief mention of the credits sequence here, but there isn't one in this movie. Seriously. We get "Columbia Pictures Presents," then we get "BOTTLE ROCKET" in black text on a red background, and then we're straight into the story, picking things up with Anthony (Luke Wilson), who it would seem is about to escape from a psychiatric hospital with the help of his best friend, Dignan (Owen Wlison)(incidently, I find it humourous how, in all the movies they've done with each other at this point, I don't think they've ever played brothers), mirror used as a signal, bed sheets tied together to make a rope, the whole deal. However, as it turns out, Anthony signed himself in at the hospital willingly, and has already discharged himself, but didn't have the eart to tell Dignan any of that, as he was so excited about the plan he'd come up with. So out the window Anthony goes, pausing only to say goodbye to his doctor and some of the other patients. It's never really explained in detail why he was there, but he later mentions questioning his own life to such an extent that he ran away and lived in the desert for a period of time. A bit like Jesus. Hey, managed to find a way of tying this into Easter!

It is the next few scenes that the differences people were telling me about become obvious, mostly concerning the dialogue and the way the movie is shot. One of the things I'll accept about Anderson's movies is that they're often not that exciting to look at, most of the time shot in a static, almost storybook way, with the few movements the camera makes being very smooth and controlled. Here, there's a some of that, and it becomes more the norm as the movie goes on, almost as if whilst shooting you could see him decide, "This is how I like doing things," but to me it feels like the camera moves more in this one than it does in any of his other films put together, and it also feels a little ragged in places. Not that that's a bad thing, and it's not a constant distraction (hello, "Bloodrayne 2: Deliverance"), but it felt really odd seeing it in a Wes Anderson movie. Then there's the dialogue. It's not how it's written really, its almost the same as it is in all his movies, that being quirky but not totally out-there and zany, but rather how it's spoken- it's often delievered at a break-neck pace, and alot of the time, especially here at the beginning, there's alot of people talking over each other, which I think is done to better get across both the familiarity the characters have with each other, especially Anthony and Dignan, and also to convey their excitement at what they're planning. Again, it's not a bad thing, it's just different is all.

And speaking of their plan, all is laid out to us over the course of a bus journey- they plan to become criminals, thieves more specifically, putting into use all the things Dignan has learnt from Mr. Henry (James Caan), who he claims is a master thief. He has everything planned out for he and Anthony in the most fine detail (it's later claimed that he planning stretches a good 75 years), in a little notebook. He's even colour-coded the thing using different felt-tip pens, which frankly is something I would do. The first major part of this plan involves then performing a practice burglary, and I was amused to find out that the house the do this with belongs to Anthony's mother. It goes well, all things considered, until afterwards when they's discussing what they've just done and where they can improve, Dignan reveals that he stole Anthony's Mother's diamond earrings, the one thing he had promised he wouldn't, apparently.

This of course means Anthony has to return the earrings, which he does by giving them to is little sister, Grace (Shea Fowler). They then proceed to have a conversation based around a joke that's as old as the hills, that being the substancially-younger sibling that talks like she's 35. I still find it amusing, though. It doesn't crack me up, but it makes me smile, especially when she sighs at the mention of Dignan's name and explains, "I do like Dignan... but he's a liar." He's also a thief, kid. Speaking of Dignan, as this is going on he's interviewing a guy by the name of Bob Mapplethorpe (Robert Musgrave, who was also like Luke and Owen in the original short this is based on, and looks weirdly like what I suspect you'd get if Justin Long and Jimmy Fallon had a son), about the possibility of him being their getaway driver. I feel for Musgrave, because he's got what is really the least fun role to play, that of the slightly whiney wimp who goes through most of the movie being mocked and/or beaten up by his brother. He does a terrible job of selling himself during his interview, claiming they should use him because he's a risktaker, using the fact that he's growing Marijuana in his parent's backyard as proof of this, and when that doesn't seem to be doing it, he offers, "I really want to be a part of this team... and I'm the only one with a car." That somehow proves to be enough.

After Anthony has a small breakdown over his sister's cynical attitude and his belief that she thinks he's a failure (which causes Dignan to hilariously ask what she's done with her life that's so great), a quick stop of at Bob's family's place, some shooting practice out in a field somewhere which proves to be funny just by virtue of watching these three guys who clearly have never held a gun before fire off a few rounds (Bob is especially hilarious with his tiny firearm)(that's what she said), and a final going over of the plan that almost ends in disaster when Dignan and Bob get into a fight over Bob's insistance in touching the gun because he bought it, they perform their first really robbery, knocking over a book store. Their plan is to get Anthony in there first by saying he forgot his sweater, then having him overpower the guy on the door and get Dignan in, too. Amazingly, this all goes off without so much as a hitch. Okay, not totally- the money has to be stuffed into little bags due to the fact that they don't have any big ones, and despite the fact that he's got a gun pretty much in his face, the clerk has no problems calling Dignan a punk in retaliation for being called an idiot, which causes Dignan to go all meek and and refer to him as "sir" from that point forward. But even with those small details, it's a roaring success, and now all tey have to do is get out of town for a little while and wait for things to cool off.

It's when they leave town and set up home in a dingy-looking motel that things start to fall apart. For a start, Bob recieves word from his brother that he's been arrested for drug dealing and needs him to come home and bail him out, leaving them without a driver, or even a car for that matter. But before that, Anthony finds himself distracted by (what else?) a woman- Inez (Lumi Cavazos, also returning from the short), their sweetly-pretty housekeeper that speaks virtually no English. Their courtship is fast but rather sweet. Anthony first lays eyes on her when he's taking a dip in the pool and she's attending to her duties, and later that day he just starts following her around like a puppy, helping her out as she cleans the rooms. At first she seems to be bewildered by this attention, but eventually she seems to become amused by it, even letting Anthony keep a picture of her sister she had inside her locket (which he asks to keep even after he finds out it wasn't her, as he first thought, which struck me as a very strange thing to ask, even for a character in a Wes Anderson movie), and then seemingly throwing a party for he co-workers in the guy's room.

Over the next couple of days, things really end up in the shitter. Bob's gone, and Dignan ends up getting beaten up when he goes to a bar with Anthony and Inez (who have already kissed and had sex at this point), by a guy who was being friendly to him only a second earlier (sample dialogue- OTHER GUY: "You in the army, yes?" DIGNAN: "No, I just have short hair." Then they both chuckle). At his wits end and desperate to get out of there, Dignan proposes a new plan to Anthony- they use Inez's master key to break into one of the rooms, so they can find car keys and make off with a car. Anthony flat-out refuses to do that, in what I thought was going to be a version of that old sitcom gag where, say, the guy goes, "There's no way I'm ever wearing that chicken suit!" and then in the very next scene you see him in the chicken suit. But no, Anthony put his foot down, and it was never mentioned again.

Realising he's totally in love with her, Anthony decides to try and convince Inez to come with them. Realising there's no way he can communicate this to her alone, he recruits one of her co-workers, Rocky (Donny Caicedo), to translate for him. This is a set-up almost guaranteed to have a couple of funny instances, and I wasn't disapponted, getting two moments that made me laugh out loud- firstly, when Anthony is trying to get across how special she makes him feel, he mentions how much he enjoyed the sex they'd recently had, which causes Rocky to stand there looking all embarrassed, not wanting to repeat what he's just heard, only for Inez to insist and then pull a face that's the perfect representation of, "Oh Christ, I can't believe he just said that to somebody I work with." Then later, when she's refused to go with him, Rocky again translates her rejection. It's obvious what she's trying to say is that he's just passing through, but when Rocky tranlates literally, it comes out as, "You're like paper... trash... like paper floating by, y'know?" Then, when seeing the way Anthony takes being told this, he mutters apologetically, "It sounds better in Spanish."

The next day Inez is given an envelope by Dignan and suddenly has a semi-change of heart, sending Rocky after Dignan to tell him that she loves Anthony. Of course, upon hearing the guy say, "Tell Anthony I love him," he assumes... oh fuck it, you don't need me to tell you what he assumes, it's obvious what he assumes. But there's not even enough time for him to share this piece of information with Anthony, as no sooner are they one the road in a sweet-but-beaten-up convertable of some kind, than the thing breaks down (well, Dignan did just find it abandoned in some alley...), and they get into a fight, partially over whether or not this great sceme of theirs is worth continuing, but mostly due to the fact that Anthony had just given Inez pratically all them money they had left in the world, around $500, in that envelope. He then gets angry when Dignan shouts, "YOU DO NOT GIVE THE HOUSEKEEPER A $500 TIP!" This is the first time their relationship in any way angers Dignan, as the movie had done a good job of not portraying him as, to quote the man himself, "the jealous best friend," so it's not like this is one of many blow-ups. I can also see his point. I mean, yes, you love the girl, but giving someone you love everything you have, everything you may need just to survive, is stupid, there's no other way of putting it. Plus (and oh Christ, how do I put this...), giving a woman you've just had sex with money is not really treating her like you love her. That's treating her like... something else. It gets physical, with Dignan popping Anthony one on the nose and making him bleed (at first I thought he's slashed him across the face with the screwdriver he was holding, which shocked me a little bit because that would have easily been the most extreme example of violence I'd ever seen in a Wes Anderson movie), and they literally go their seperate ways, both of them walking off in different directions.

Seeing as he's the main character, it's Anthony that we follow during this split, as it's shown to us in a montage meant to be the visual representation of a letter he's writing to his sister what's going on in his life right now- he's reunited with Bob, and togehter they're working several jobs and have become productive members of society, even if Bob's dickhead brother takes almost all his money to pay for his legal fees. Anthony seems happy with the way things are going, even if he's still pining for Inez. Which is of course the cue for Dignan to show up again with another plan. However, this time he's bringing his own crew, having reunited with Mr. Henry (it was revealed earlier that Dignan only knew him through his front-business, working as a landscaper, which meant he mowed people's lawns, really). He wants Anthony to come on-board for a job they're planning, and he's initially reluctant. Really reluctant actually, both Dignan and Mr. Henry try to talk him into signing up, and it's only when he sees Bob's brother treat Dignan like scum that he finally agrees. And even then he puts up the stipulation that Bob has to be brought in too, which Dignan agrees to only so his friend will come with him (and the scene where Dignan and Bob make up is hilarious, starting with Dignan offering Bob outside so they can handle their problems like men, saying men don't settle their disputes by hugging, then throwing the towel in when Bob lands one punch and deciding to hug it out with him).

I think I should talk a little about James Caan here. He's so fucking cool, without even trying really. And he's probably the best thing in this movie, even with what is basically a glorified cameo. In his brief time on-screen, they manage to work in a few memorable character traits, the main one being his interest in Oriental culture. He's shown training something they try to pass off as a Martial Art that's really just one man pushing another (that happens to be wearing Tighty Whities and not much else), he puts Bob's brother in a submission hold that looks like something we'd put each other in when we were in Junior School (before proclaiming him a "cocksucker")(as in Mr. Henry calls Bob's brother a cocksucker, not that we called each other cocksuckers in Junior School), and then at the party just before the heist, he's wearing... well, it's supposed to be traditional Asian garb, but the way it looks when he's sitting down, it's just a skirt. He's wearing a floaty patterned skirt with sandles and socks. Amazing.

Of course, with things going so well, Dignan finally tells Anthony what Rocky said to him, and him being slightly quicker on the uptake than his friend puts two-and-two together and realises Inez loves him. I expected him to run off and abandon the job, but instead they reconcile over the phone, andthe robbery of the warehouse goes off as planned.

Well, not quite as planned. Actually, it's a total fucking disaster. Neither Anthony nor the cowardly Bob's hearts are really in it, the safecracker (Kumar Pallana, who caused me to go "YAAAAAAAAAY!" the second I saw him. I mean, I knew he was in this, because Anderson is very proud of the fact that he's been in all his feature-length productions. But still, YAAAAAAAAAY! Also his son Dipak played a book store clerk earlier), can't crack the safe, saying he's lost his touch ("Did you ever have a touch?" Dignan asks), they get discovered by some worker who they sort-of take hostage, and then Bob accidently fires off his gun, causing one of the crew to have a heart attack. Oh, and whilst all this is going on, Mr. Henry is robbing Bob's house, stripping it of practically everything. They make a break for it, but realise they dude who had the heart attack has the keys on him, so somebody will have to go back and get them. Dignan says he will and tells Anthony to run for it, and I can't decide if he was willingly sacrificing himself for his friend, or if he's just an idiot. I could be either. It could be both, in all honesty. So he gets arrested (and beaten up by the cops in quite an excessive manner, I thought), and sent to jail for two years. He doesn't seem to bothered about this to be honest, as when Bob and Anthony come to visit him there's not a hint of bitterness. It's almost as if going to prison may have been part of his plan, as if it makes him a real criminal. That probably is the case, thinking about it. The last scene of the movie involves him punking out (is this still a cool thing to say?) his friends by pretending he has an escape plan all worked out, before walking into the prison in Anderson's trademake slow-motion finish, as his friends look on.

I don't really know what the people who kept telling me I might not like this were on about. Yes, if I'm honest, as it stands right now after a couple of viewings, this is probably my least favourite Wes Anderson film. And it has flaws, the biggest being the fact that there's literally no story whatsoever. I won't pretend otherwise, I know this review doesn't feature the most detailed plot breakdown I've ever done, but believe me when I say I didn't really have much to work with. It's just a bunch of stuff happening, then a bunch more stuff happening. But I still enjoyed it, it was fun and quirky, there was wit and charm, and some, if not all, of the trademake Anderson storytelling techniques. Where I had the most fun though was watching one of my favourite directors slowly become the fimmaker he is today, as he discovered seemingly on the fly what he was and wasn't good at, and discovering his style as he went. It's beautiful, really.

FINAL VERDICT

KEPT!

Almost beautiful enough to bring a tear to the eye.

Until next week, I'm The Cheap-Arse Film Critic, and I just wanted to say I'm sorry I threw rocks at you that day.

The Cheap-Arse Film Review #27- "THE KARATE KID, PART III."

NAME: THE KARATE KID, PART III

RATING: PG

RELEASED: 1989

WRITTEN BY: ROBERT MARK KAMEN

DIRECTED BY: JOHN G. AVILDSEN

STARRING: RALPH MACCHIO, PAT MORITA, THOMAS IAN GRIFFITH, ROBYN LIVELY, SEAN KANAN, MARTIN KOVE

GENRE: ACTION DRAMA

BOUGHT FROM: CEX

PRICE: 50p

We all have a contradiction or two to our natures, it's what makes us interesting. Or annoying. Take your pick. I have a couple of big ones. For a start, I'm very into order, lists and everything being in its right place, but at the same time I can go Caveman at the drop of a hat, usually when I'm unhappy. Another is, I'm a pretty opinionated guy (you're shocked, I can tell), but I will often find myself agreeing with things and opinions I actually don't, for no other reason then to live a quiet life. This is very high on the list of things I hate about myself. But the big one, the one that confounds even me is the fact that I consider myself a pretty gently, placid guy... and I love fighting.

Now, when I say I love fighting, that doesn't mean I like nothing better of a weekend than to dress up in my best clothes and go out trawling the streets looking for a good ruck. I wouldn't do that even if I could, which I can't for a multitude of reasons. But I love watching it, something about it always got my blood pumping. I couldn't get into any sport that didn't have some form of combat involved with them. I really didn't like Football for example, and whilst I say I do now, and would even go so far as to say I support West Ham (it's character building if nothing else), in truth there's always this niggling suspicion at the back of my head that I only watch it because it's another excuse to go down the pub. Whereas give me a boxing match, or an MMA fight, or something obscure off one of those fringe sports channels, and I'm happy as Larry, even if I have to stay up until Stupid O'Clock in order to indulge.

I've never been that into fighting movies, though. I like a good action film, but I'm not counting them. I mean films like the "Kickboxer" or "Bloodsport" series. I could just never be bothered with them. At first I thought it might be a case of simulated fighting versus actual fighting, but then I remembered I love professional wrestling, and that's simulated violence disguised as actual violence (actually, I think most of the time it would be better described as actual violence diguised and simulated violence disguised as actual violence, but this is not a discussion to be getting into here...). There's only two fighting-based franchises I've followed in an way over the years, and those are the "Rocky" movies, which I don't think you have to like boxing to enjoy, and the "Karate Kid" movies. And of those two, "Rocky" probably takes the top spot, because whilst I watched every installment of that saga excitedly and will still willingly watch them if I find them on (yes, even the fifth one), I could never really muster the same level of excitment about the other "Karate Kid" films. I mean, the fact that I've not seen the third one until now should tell you everything you need to know. I saw "The Next Karate Kid" before I saw this. Think about that.

I think alot of it had to do with the fact that I didn't really think the sequels were needed. Take the first "Rocky" movie, for example. I understand that the movie was all about believing in yourself and proving you belonged and were somebody, and that the message it was putting across was made all the more powerful by the fact that he didn't win the title (OMGSPOILERZ!). I know, respect and love all this. It's amazing storytelling. But, if I'm honest... I wanted to see him win. I loved that character so much that I wanted to see him achieve his dream. I think everybody did. So with "Rocky 2," you had a reason to WATCH, to see if he could do it. With the first "Karate Kid," Daniel wins the tournament (OMGSPILERZAGIN!!!), and that's it. Instant gratification. No reason to come back even once. But come back I have.

We first find ourselves in flashback land, as the opening credits for this movie occur over a montage, explaining the history Daniel (Ralph Macchio) and Mr. Miyagi (the late, great Pat Morita) have with the Cobra Kai, a rival karate dojo, and its sensei, Johnny (Martin Kove). It's a decently-done effort, but it's a little bit patchy and leaves out some things you'd expect to see. For example, we see Johnny make his infamous "Sweep the leg" decree, but then we don't actually see the leg being swept, nor do we see Mr Miyagi healing Daniel backstage following its devastating effects. We do however see the brief scene from the beginning of the second one where Miyagi humiliates Johnny in front of his students, getting him to punch through two car windows and then making it very obvious he could kill him, before deciding not to. It's this, coupled with Johnny's violent distain for his student's failures that presumably landed him where we see him when the film picks up properly, that being the head of a dojo with no students. For a brief moment, he cuts a quite sympathetic character as he listens to an answering machine message from the organisers of this year's karate tournament, who presume he won't be entering.

And this continues when he goes to meet his friend, war buddy and the owner of his establishment, Terry Silver, played by Thomas Ian Griffith (who I am convinced is an evil alternate reality version of Paul Rudd), walking in on him kicking the shit out of two dudes during a spot of karate sparring. He has his bags packed and is ready to chuck the whole thing in, but Terry doesn't want to hear it, telling him he owes him his life several times over and pretty much doeasn't expect a penny for him, instead offering to pay for him to go on vacation to Tahiti that very second. So far I was really surprised by this portrayal, as it seemed to geared towards humanising Johnny and making him less of a cartoon. Of course the moment I start thinking something is the second it usually flies out the window, and sure enough, in the next scene, as Terry's driving him to the airport he swears to him that he's going to devote all his time and resources (of which he as alot of, as the movie establishes very quickly that he's a very rich man, dealing dubiously with the chemical industry), to destroying Daniel and Miyagi, proclaiming, "I'm gonna make them suffer, and suffer, and when I think they've suffered enough, then I'm gonna start with the pain!" It's the kind of thing you'd expect a super-villain to say, and as the movie goes on, it becomes obvious that that's pretty much what Terry is.

He drops Johnny off at the airport, and as he enters the terminal, who should we see walking the other way but Daniel and Miyagi, returning from their adventure in the Japan! What a coincidence! I want to talk a little bit about Ralph Macchio before I continue with this thing. It's often said that this guy's career was blighted by the Curse of the Babyface, and in nowhere else is that proven more accurate than this film. Within continuity, it takes place about a year after the events of the first one, but in reality that came out in 1984, whereas this one came out in 1989, five years later. And he's not aged a day. Not one. He looks exactly the same as he did in flashback at the beginning. And looking at recent pictures of him I found, he still pretty much does. Well, that's en exaggeration, but the fact is he's two years shy of is 50th Birthday, and I personally think he could pass himself off as being in his mid-thirties (in many ways I'm envious, because I'm in my mid-twenties, and when I recently asked a woman to guess how old I was, she put me at 32. I blame it on being fat). None of this is what blew my mind, though. No, what succeeded in doing that was when I looked up information on both Macchio and Thomas Ian Griffith and discovered that... they're practically the same age. Infact, it gets better- Macchio, playing a kid young enough to just be starting college, is five months older than Griffith, playing a guy old enough to have fought in Vietnam. Five. Months. Older.

Back to the movie, Daniel and Miyagi's homecoming doesn't go quite as they hoped- Daniel discovers his mother, who he wanted to surprise with his return, has had to leave town to care for a sick elderly relative (a plot device that exists for no other reason than to write her out of the movie, which I'm totally fine with, as she's a terrible actress), and Miyagi finds himself in enforced retirement when his building has been sold. He's of course saddened by this turn of events, but Daniel decides to try and cheer him up by helping him realise his dream of opening a Bonzai store, buying the lease to a building in a "developing" (read: shit) area of town, with the money he had saved to pay for his college education, which is a sweet thing for him to do, but I can't help but think of the spasm his mother will have when she finds out. It almost makes me wish they'd bring her back just so we could have that scene. Almost. Miagi is touched by this, and after some initial reluctance agrees to open the store, with his only stipulation being that Daniel adds his name to the lease.

As this is going on, we get updates on Terry and the plan he's formulating. Over a telephone conversation with Johnny in Tahiti as he's getting rubbed down by two women, he reveals he intends to somehow convince Daniel to let him train him for the upcomng tournament, where he'll beat the shit out of him virtually without him knowing it, thus weakening him and sending him into the fight ready to be humiliated. He has a tool (both figuratively and literally) for that too, in the form of Mike Barnes (Sean Kanan), "Karate's Bad Boy," who he brings in especilly for the task with the promise that he'll be a 50% partner in all the new schools Terry intends to open. It was originally supposed to be 25%, but he gets Terry to double his offer by threatening to walk. Mr. Silver would be hopeless on "Dragon's Den." The only way I can think to describe Barnes is that he's fucking psychotic, marching around shouting at things he doesn't like, threatening to either hurt or just outright kill people at almost every turn. Then again, he fits in well with the company he keeps, as Terry assigns him henchmen (one of whom is named Snake)(SNAKE!), who only seem to exist to derive joy from his bastardly behaviour. Terry himself is also starting to seem slightly unhinged, as in the phone scene he debuts his laugh, which becomes his trademark as the movie goes on. Sometimes it's loud and booming as it is here (where it's also accompanied by him yelling, "I LIKE THAT!!! I LIKE THAT JOHNNY!!!" like some S&M freak when Johnny says he wants him to make Daniel's knuckles bleed), sometimes it's a small chuckle, but it's always full of bad intentions and accompanied by a sadistic glint in the eye.

Of course the whole plan is built around Daniel agreeing to take part in the tournament, which at this point doesn't seem likely to happen, since for some reason he seems to need Miyagi's permission to take part and the old man won't give it. There are a few issues that come with this permission slip thing, but I'll deal with the one that's brought up in this scene, that being the change in rules that Daniel tells Miyagi about- rather than fight in the entire tournament, the defending champion only has to fight once, in the final. I can see why they did this, because this way they don't have to shoot alot of tournament stuff and can just get straight to the final, but it's stupid on several levels. For a start, no legit tournament that takes itself in any way seriously would work this way, because putting a dude who's had to win several fights to get where he is against a guy that hasn't had to break so much as a sweat just isn't fair. Then there's the fact that this set-up makes the villain, in a strange way, seem more heroic than our supposed protagonist, because he's had to work his arse off to get where he is.

In any event, Miyagi says no, and attempts to distract Daniel by, for all intents and purposes, pimping him out. He sends him over the pottery store next door to get pots for the trees, where he finds a girl moulding clay. Her name is Jessica, and she's played by Robyn Lively, who lovers of shit eighties teen movies will know from "Teen Witch" (which I'm very ashamed to say I've seen), and lovers of quality television will know from "Dougie Howser, MD," "Twin Peaks," and more recently "30 Rock." She pretty much throws herself at Daniel the second he walks through the door (she herself admitting she "came on pretty strong" in a later scene), making plans to meet up with him later that night. However, when they meet again, she cools things off almost instantly, saying she's got a boyfriend she's been having problems with that she's decided to give another chance, and will be moving away to be with him pretty soon. I thought this would just be a hurdle in the path of them eventually getting together, but surprisingly they don't, they just become plutonic friends, and Daniel seems more than okay with it. And it's quite nice to see a relationship between a man and a woman presented on screen that's in no way sexually-driven, something unexpected and different, especilly in a movie aimed at a teen audience.

She soon learns that hanging around with Daniel might not be good for her health though, as not once but twice are their get-togethers ruined by Barnes and his crew showing up to violently demand Daniel sign the entry form they have and enter the tournament. See, in an earlier scene, Daniel had come round to Miyagi's way of thinking and burned the form, which was witnessed by Terry, who had snuck into Miyagi's place in order to dig up information on him to use to gain his trust. What with the tournament being the main component of his plan, Terry instructs Barnes to terrorize Daniel until he signs. Which is the second problem I have, as it was established before that it was Miyagi's signature that was needed, but now the movies expects us to forget that and go along with the idea that Daniel needs to sign it, ignoring questions like if that was the case, why didn't he just sign it himself to begin with? As continuity mistakes go, this is amateur-hour bullshit, especially for a production like this. The first time they show up at Miyagi's store, Snake (SNAKE!!!!!) does most of the talking, alternating between sneering and smirking, only for Barnes to step in and insist he enter the tournament, then flip out and have to be restrained when Daniel tells him to fuck off. The second time they show up (and both of these happen when the place is supposed to be closed, which begs the question, why don't they just lock the bloody door?) they interrupt a pleasent meal between Daniel and Jessica, where he gives her Maccaroni & Cheese "11 out of 10" (dude, it's Mac & Cheese, the most idiot-proof food in the world. I could make Mac & Cheese, and my idea of being fancy is putting mayo on something). This times things get violent, with them smashing up the store, Daniel getting beaten up, and Jessica actually getting kicked in the stomach. Miyagi himself has to show up and save the day, throwing the little shits out and into Barnes' convertable, where he start doughnutting and screaming about how this isn't over. Yes, that's perfectly rational. Miyagi then says at least they didn't take any of his stock, since it wasn't there (nice attitude there. "A young girl just got assaulted, but at least my business is fine!"). However, once he and Daniel get home, they discover the Bonzai have been taken by Barnes and his goons, who left the consent form behind in their place. It's worth mentioning that the trees had seemingly been left on a table ouside Miyagi's place, and therefore were never all that safe in the first place.

Bummed out about the damage and the loss of stock, Daniel decides to help Miyagi make up financially for all he's lost. However, he decides to do this in a very questionable way, that being to dig up and sell the Bonzai tree Miyagi had brought with him from Japan. In an earlier scene, Miyagi had told him about this tree, that it was worth thousands, and that he had planted it in "The Devil's Cauldron," a sort-of bowl-like mountain area that filled up with water when the tide came in. Daniel and Jessica scale down the rock-face to retrieve the tree, only for it to be dropped into the salt water below, which is apparently poison for the roots. They retrieve it and go to make their way back up, only to find their ropes have been pulled up by Barnes and company. Their offer- sign to compete, and they'll throw the ropes back down, otherwise they'll leave them there to drown. With little other choice, Daniel relents and signs, and the bad guys amazingly prove to be good for their word, tossing the ropes back down and even helping pull the pair up. They make their nasty pints back by snapping Miyagi's tree down the middle though, which was a predictable-but-still-dastardly touch. Daniel shows Miyagi the tree and tells him what happened, and for a second there appears to be a crack in the old man's Zen-like attitude, but the he composes himself and accepts Daniel's apology, though he still refuses to train him for the tournament, much to Daniel's dismay.

Which is where, finally, Terry's plan kicks into high gear. He had introduced himself to Daniel and Miyagi earlier, claiming he'd come to apologise for Johnny's actions, and that the man himself had passed away of a broken heart due to the failure of his school. He slimes his way into Miyagi's affections by using information about his military background he'd discovered, before setting his sights on Daniel, praising him to the moon. The seeds of trust are then totally sown when he "saves" Daniel from an attack by Barnes, making it as easy as possible so he'd look irresistable as a trainer, which is what he becomes to Daniel following Miyagi's refusal. I have to say, it's quite a sight seeing Daniel in a Cobra Kai uniform. There's something just fundamentally wrong about it. Over the course of their trainning sessions, Terry slowly lets the friendly, cuddly act slip and he becomes more aggressive, as do the things he teaches. There's not much technique to it, all he's really having Daniel do is punch, kick and elbow a wooden dummy to the point that he injures himself and (as Johnny asked) makes his knuckles bleed. Miyagi at first heals Daniel's injuries with magic healing powder (don't look at me like that, that's what it is), but as time goes on and distance grows between them, Daniel starts usng it himself without permission. "Hope confusion end soon, Daniel-san," he says sadly at one point, "Miyagi heart empty without you." AWWWWWWWW.

His confusion and confliction about the new methods he's being taught does indeed come to an end soon, as whilst he's out at a dance club with Jessica (the band performing there being fronted by one of the most sorry examples of an eighties fashion victim I've ever seen. Hello, white turtle nuck and polka-dot blazer!), spending time with her before she leaves the next day, Terry gets some dude to hit on her, causing Daniel to punch him in the face, breaking his nose without even thinking and appalling his friend, who storms out. Personally I would have left before then, just after he claimed, "I'm so thirsty I could drink a horse." Seriously, WAT? Anyway, Terry tries to sel it to him that what just happened was a good thing, that it proved he'd developed killer instincts and was now doing these things without even thinking, but Daniel is nothing but ashamed of himself and insists on making things right with all the people in his life. He makes peace with Jessica before she leaves (and she really does leave. I thought she might return for the tournament, but nope, she's just gone), and Miyagi as well, before going to he Cobra Kai dojo to respectfully tell Terry that he won't be training with him anymore.

Which is the exact moment the film turns into a nightmare, as Terry not only has Barnes there with him, but also Johnny, back from beyone the grave/Tahiti, to terroize and physically destroy this kid. This parts really makes no sense. Think about it- what were Johnny and Barnes doing there? Logic would seem to say Terry had them come, but how could he have been so sure Daniel was going to show up? And what if he hadn't? What would they have done then? Gone out to dinner? It's ludicrous movie logic, saved only by the three men themselves. Put bluntly, they're... evil. Johnny even growls like a beast at Daniel when he jumps out at him. "ARRRRRGH! ARRRRRGH!" And the laughing. Dear God, the laughing. Even when Miyagi shows up to hand them all their arses, even when you take into account the fact that this great plan is technically a total failure, they're still laughing, cackling, about all the awful things the've done and are going to do. THEY KNOW THEY'RE EVIL. AND IT AMUSES THEM.

Into the final straight now, as Miyagi has agreed to train Daniel, and we find ourselves at the tournament. It's almost like the writrs knew they fucked up a little having Daniel only have to fight one match, because they then show Barnes employing dirty tactics in his encounters, teeterig on the edge of disqualification before winning, thus making him appear as un-noble as possible. They then have him kick the shit out of Daniel for most fo their scrap. I don't know how the scoring in karate matches is done, and I doubt this is all that faithful to them anyway, but they way it seems to work is Barnes would get a point, before then doing something underhanded and having that point taken away from him. Of course this leaves the door for Daniel to make a comeback, which he does following the rest period, confusing Barnes by waving his arms around a bit, then catching him with a throw and gaining a point. Strangely, this one point is enough for him to win the match. Me no understand. The he and Miyagi celebrate as the bad guys slink off, presumably back to Hell.

Mots of this movie had a very "going-through-the-motions" feel about it. The direction is unexciting, most of the performances just there (with the exception on Morita, who's so good he could make an Alien Ant Farm video watchable), and in truth, alot of the time it's quite boring. Except when the bad guys are on the screen. Then, it comes alive. They say all heroes are only as good as their villains, ad that's totally the case here. Griffith, Kove, Kanan, this is their movie, and they save it with their gloriously over-the-top antics. I tell you, after watching this, I'd rather be a Cobra Kai. It looks like so much fun, and who knows, one day maybe I'd get to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with my sensei and chuckle demonically about the misfortunes I've brought down upon others. And also maybe I'd get to sweep the leg.

FINAL VRDICT

KEPT!

When it was good, it was really rather dull. But when it was bad, it was wonderful.

Until next week, I'm The Cheap-Arse Film Critic, and I want Tong Po! GIVE ME TONG PO!

The Cheap-Arse Film Review #26- "BLOODRAYNE 2: DELIVERANCE."

NAME: BLOODRAYNE 2: DELIVERANCE

RATING: 18

RELEASED: 2008

WRITTEN BY: CHRISTOPHER DONALDSON & NEIL EVERY, FROM A STORY BY MASAJI TAKEI

DIRECTED BY: UWE BOLL

STARRING: NATASSIA MALTHE, ZACK WARD, MICHAEL PARE

GENRE: ACTION HORROR

BOUGHT FROM: A RECORD FAIR

PRICE £1.00

I love direct-to-video sequels to films that had theatrical releases, especially when I had no idea they existed in the first place, as was the case with "Home Alone 4," which I reviewed over Christmas. Did you know, for example, that there's a "Cruel Intentions 3?" I didn't. I knew there was a second one, but I didn't have a clue a third one existed until I found it in a charity shop recently (sadly too expensive to pick up. Seriously, £2.50 for "Cruel Intention 3?" I know it's for Cancer and all, but come on...). Even better, remember that movie from the early ninties, "The Cutting Edge?" The one that starred DB Sweeney as a hockey player that gets injured and becomes a figure skater? Well, that has two fucking sequels. No, I'm not lying, go to IMDb if you don't believe me. they were released in 2006 and 2008 respectively, well over a decade since the original came out. What could possibly have been the thought process behind that? What could have made somebody think, after all that time, the world needed another installment in that particular saga? So yeah, I hope to one day review all those, as I have "Home Alone 4," and as I am this. This one is a little bit different to most DTV follow-ups, though. With most diminishing returns, they lose absolutely everything people associated with the first one, from budget to cast to director. Here, whilst almost the entire original cast (including Sir Ben Kingsley, who is currently in his cycle of starrng in good movies in an attempt to make us forget he was in "Thunderbirds" and "The Love Guru") have seen sense and run for the hills, the original movie's director has stuck around.

And scarily, that man is Uwe Boll.

You don't need me to tell you who Uwe Boll is, if you like movies enough to give what I do a second look, you already know. You also don't need me to tell you that he's not a popular filmmaker, and has a, shall we say, combative relationship with his critics. There's also the long-standing theory that he makes the kind of films he does as an elaborate money-making scam. I don't really understand it myself, so I won't try explaining it here, and it should be easily-findable if you've never been exposed to it, written by people much smarter than me. However, if what these people say is true, then believe it or not, I'm not going to be that fast going after him with the pichforks and torches, because perhaps moreso than anyone else on The Internet, this writer respects your hustle, sir.

However, admiring a decent scam and enjoying the fruits of said scam are two very different things. Put delicately, his movies aren't very good. But again, I feel the need to say this... I actually think he's improving as a filmmaker. Now, before you start yelling at me, sit down and think about what I'm saying, and what he's improved from. Let's look at his most famous (though not his first, as some people seem to believe) film, "House of the Dead." I fucking hate that movie, and I'm not alone. It's on a very short list of films I've seen that don't have a single redeeming feature, and no, it's not even "so bad it's good." People throw that term around so much these days I don't think they know what it means anymore. Then we move onto "Alone in the Dark," which is pretty terrible too, although unlike the last one there are a few things to praise. For a start, whereas "House..." looked like a bad student film in all areas of production, this at least looked like a real movie. Sure, the stunts were wonky and the CGI looked nasty, but at least I got the sense that somebody cared. "So bad it's good" lovers were treated every time Tara Reed tried to act rather than stand around looking pretty (remember when she could do that? Poor Tara). And the ending was surprisingly good, like it'd been cut off another, better film and edited it onto this one. Skipping the first "Bloodrayne," which I've not seen, up next is the snappily-titled "In the Name of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale." I wouldn't even call this one bad, if I'm honest. It's breathtakingly unoriginal, and the cinematography makes it look like somebody smeared shit all over the camera lense, but it's not a bad film, just a boring one, save for a couple of actually-quite-exciting fight scenes. And finally, "Postal," which isn't the last film he's made (he churns them out, I'll give him that), but is so far the last one I've had any exposure to. I've not seen the whole thing, but I've seen clips, and those... were funny. On purpose. I can't say for sure until I've sat down and watched it from beginning-to-end, but there's a good chance that this kind of film, the zany, gonzo, politically incorrect comedy, may be the type he's actually good at, the kind of stories he understands how to tell. Either that or he's just getting better as a director, possibly against his own will. I mean, if you do something consistantly for long enough, you're going to get better at it without even realising, aren't you? So I'm interested to see what I make of this one, as it came out the same year as "Postal" did and could make-or-break my whole theory.

The credits are nothing special, just Old West-style font over pictures of Frontiersmen doing Frontier things. Following a lush establishing shot of a forest and some snowy mountains, we meet Pyles (snigger...) played by Chris Coppola. No, not that Chris Coppola, the man responsible for "Creature." Don't feel too bad if you made that mistake, I did too, although I couldn't reconcile the pictures I've seen of Christopher Coppola with the man on my television. Let's just say they don't look alike and move one, I'm not opening that particular can of worms, especially due to the fact that I'm one of those worms. He's a reporter from the big city sent to the town of Deliverance to bring back stories of gunfights and crime, but sadly for him he seems to have been sent to the most boring new development in The West, with The Mayor (Michael Robinson) telling him how unexciting things are there, the only noteworthy thing being the new railway that will soon run through there, opening them up to outsiders. You can just see the disappointment on Pyle's face. You normally only see this kind of longing for bloodshed on the faces of newscasters. Then, we're whisked to a shack to meet a man, his wife and their two children, the father is unhappy, he and his wife have a conversation about how times are hard, and then suddenly A NOISE OUTSIDE! Alright, here we go, some excitement. The guy's all, "The fuckin' bear's back," he grabs his shotgun, goes outside and... we stay in the cabin with the wife and kids. Um, okay. Maybe we'll cut outside in a bit. then this strange hissing sound can be heard, and the man's wife decides to go outside to check on her husband. At this point I was torn between wanting to scream, "DON'T GO OUTSIDE YOU STUPID WOMAN! THE WIND IS HISSING AT YOU!" and egging her on because we might follow her. Only we don't, we stay with the kids, who get so scared they hide under the bed. No, don't go under the bed! Go outside! I want to know what's going on outside! Eventually what was outside comes inside, that being Billy the Kid (Zack Ward), who this movie has recast as an evil, centuries-old Vampire with an East European accent. He walks around the place a bit, then sits down at the table the family had just been eating at, his back to the boys. He starts talking to them, asking them if they miss they're parents already, and they they'll be with them soon. Then two seemingly-disinterested henchmen just casually stroll in, drag (or more accurately, gently help up) the boys out from under the bed, as they put up almost no struggle,and take them outside, as Billy sits at the table hissing, blood round his chops. I have to applaude the filmmakers for the previous scene, I really do. They took what is an inherently awesome concept (VAMPIRE COWBOYS!) and introduced it in boring, unexciting way. That takes a special level of anti-talent, to take something like that and totally suck the cool out of it. Well done. To be fair, they make a better impression the second time we see them, which is the next day when they take over the entire town of Deliverance, kidnap more children, then Billy goes toe-to-toe with the The Sheriff (John Novak), taking four bullets in the chest and biting him on the neck. See? That was bad-arse, that's what I want with a film featuring Vampire Cowboys. He then makes the Mayor his bitch just by looking at him, gets invited to stay at his house, and brings Pyles with him so he can "bare witness to the greatest story ever told." "The Lord of the Rings?" (CONFESSION: I had "The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women" here right up until just before I published this thing, then chickened out at the last moment)

It's after this, 15 minutes into this movie, that we finally meet the films hero and star, Rayne, played by Natassia Malthe, replacing Kristanna Loken. I recognised this woman the second I saw her on the box (which considering the amount of airbrushing going on was really impressive), but I couldn't place her. So off to IMDb I went to peruse he previous roles, and I've got tell you, the movies she's been in. When I think the best one on the list is "40 Days & 40 Nights," you're in trouble. There's was also a disturbing theme of her settling for Uwe Boll's leftovers, as she's also been in "Alone in the Dark 2" (which Boll didn't direct, but rather was replaced by two people, which amuses me because as it stands right now that film has a 4.4 quality rating, whereas the first one is at 2.2, meaning the doubling of directors also doubled the quality). Then I found the movie I'd seen her in before, and I felt like laughing and crying at the same time- she was one of Jennifer Love Hewitt's friends in "The Social Climber." This movie. The gift that keeps on giving. I suppose she's not too bad here, but she's not really asked to do much beyond scowl and deliver the occasional quick comeback. She also looks great in a cowboy hat.

Her destination is the shack the got attacked earlier, and as you'd expect, finding her friends dead and their children missing doesn't really sit well with her. As she grieves over the bodies, a man sneaks up behind her, and at knife-point tells her this was the work of Billy the Kid, that he's a "creature of the night." This man is played by Michael Pare, and as far as I can tell he's the lone cast member from the original movie returning for this one. He's not playing the same character as he did their though. His character isn't named in this scene, and as far as I can tell it's not mentioned until right at the very end, where it's casually thrown out that he's Pat Garret. Yes, that Pat Garret, recast as a demon hunter. This movie could have been so fucking cool.

He tells her that the children have probably been taken to Deliverance, which is where Rayne heads off to next. She arrives at nightfall, and instead of the quite little town we saw before, it's now buzzing with life, especially the bar, which has a new air of menace about it, mostly down to one man, Flintlock Hogan (Mike Dopud), one of Billy's Vampire goons, as he harasses waitresses, tells stories of killing men, even shooting a pint glass out of Pyles' hand (which he loves, as he seems to all of this). He's got a dirty mouth on him too, even going so far as to call Rayne the "C" word. It's his use of the word "cocksucker," or variations thereof, that made my ears prick up (no pun intended). He uses it three times, and by the last one I couldn't help think to myself, "Okay, I get it, you've seen "Deadwood." Well done." The funny thing is, as anybody who's seen Charlie Brooker's excellent show "Screenwipe" could tell you, the foul language in that show was a stylistic choice made by the creative team, done to replace the milder period curses that would more likely be used with modern one in order to help the audience connect with the earthiness and anarky of those times. So, not only have the writers ripped off a product of higher quality than they could ever hope to create, but in doing so they've managed to make their movie even less authentic without even realising it, probably.

Flintlock and Rayne have a confrontation after he flirts with her in his own distinctive style (sexual assault), and we discover they have a history, which begs the question of why he didn't recognise her the second she walked in. Rather than kill him though, she briefly give him a stay of execution and even plays Poker with him and boys (one of whom is an Irishman so stereotypical that he may as well be three feet tall and wearing green). Of course the game turns nasty when she whups them all, and soon things are taken outside to be settled with bullets, the cocky Flintlock saying he's not afraid of Rayne, as since they last met he's fought, amongst other things, "Chinamen and Ninjas." VAMPIRE COWBOYS VERSUS NINJAS! THIS MOVIE I WANT TO SEE! Sadly I'm currently stuck with this one. Despite his tough talk, she dispatches with him and his friends rather quickly, using bullets treated with garlic and Holy Water. This angers The Sheriff, who since we last saw him has been Vampirized, and he has Rayne arrested and announces she'll be hung before the night is out. She decides this is bullshit and tries to escape, taking out two of his deputies, the music swells heroically... and then the Sheriff hits her on the head with his gun, knocking her out. Well, that was embarrassing.

Whilst in the jailhouse, she meets Muller (Brendan Fletcher), who had also come to town looking to take out Billy, and also like her is a Brimstone, as disinguished by his necklace. It's never explained what being a Brimstone is or entails, which frustrated the hell out of me. I know I just got done savaging "Camp Blood 2" for having too many flashback and exposition scenes, but there's got to be a happy medium between always filling us in on past history all the time, and totally ignoring it. There has to be. They talk for a while, and figure out Billy's plan, that when the railroad is finished he'll have a constant stream of people coming in to turn and thus build up his army, keeping the town as normal as possible between then and now by having his people only feed on the children he's kidnapped. It's an interesting plan, but there are holes in it, the main one being the idea of feeding on the children. There are loads of Vampires walking around at this point, and as far as I can tell they only have something like seven or eight kids stashed away (minus one for the little girl Billy later eats, in a scene that actually managed to shock me, because I didn't think they'd have the guts to show him killing a child), so they would surely run out long before the railroad would be finished, and then what?

Then Muller dies by being hung. Again, this shocked me, because I didnt think they'd go to all the trouble of introducing a new character who had important information and ambiguous ties to our heroine's backstory, and then kill him off roughly ten minutes later, but that's exactly what happens, and I can't decide if this is good or bad. It's something, that's for sure. So the time comes for Rayne to hang, but as everybody's busy faffing around, she slips out of her cuffs, does some damage, before diving into the water, which Vampires can't cross (even though they're not supposed to be able to enter people's homes uninvited, and they regularly break that rule throughout this thing), taking bullets as she does so, and having to be pulled out of the water by Garret. The next day, after we're treated to a shot of two Native Americans in a canoe for no apparent reason, was see Rayne lying on the ground by the river being tended to by Garret. We then finally get some backstory on her, that she's half-Vampire, a Dhampir, and that the only thing that can heal her wounds quickly is blood. Taking one for the team, Garret then cuts his arm and les the blood drip into her mouth, which gets her all excited to the point that he has to beat her away and tell her off like a bad puppy. And what does she say to him after he pretty much saves her life. "You could've used a cup." There's gratitude for you.

With Rayne on the mend, they decide the best way to save the town is to assemble a crew of people themselves. and by "crew," I mean two other people. The first is known simply as The Preacher (Michael Eklund), a sleazy, vaguely camp man they find in a church giving a fire-and-brimstone sermon, warning of the dangers of things like "the moist, warm lips between a virgin's thighs," before encouraging his flock to give all their money to him so that he may save them, which they all do, with the exception of Rayne and Garret, who just put his folded-up wanted poster in there. They then say they won't turn him in if he agrees to help them fight Vampires and... he agrees. Just like that. Even the characters are surprised. The next person they recruit is Slime Bag Franson (Michael Teigen)(how many Michaels are there in this thing?)(I just went and counted- four. Five if you count Mike Dopud), who they find in a whorehouse. Rayne works her magic on him this time around, pretending to be a hooker and dancing around, with him liking what he sees so much he exclams, "I don't know where to start, the top or the bottom!" I often have the same dilemma. This is the only scene where Malthe gets to exhibit a positive facial expression, and man does she make the most of it. It's like she's so sick of frowning all the time that she's genuinely happy to do something else. She's adorable, frankly. It doesn't last long though, as she mounts him and shoves her gun in his mouth (sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, folks) and gets him to agree to help them pretty much through fear of death. He then asks if they're still going to fuck. I like this guy.

With the gang all together, the prepare themselves by all becoming honourary Brimstone members (although Garret may have been one all along, as this is the first scene we see him wearing the Brimstone necklace, and he doesn't need to be given it by Rayne like the other two do. Again, this is never explained). And by having Preacher bless the water to turn it into Holy Water so they can coat their bullets with it. I couldn't make up my mind whether or not Preacher actually was a man of God. At first it seemed like he was only running a scheme, as he curses and kills, and he even nails a hocker at the whorehouse. But here he is doing this for them. So I guess he really is a Preacher just a bad one. And you have to wnder how much weight the words of a man who's Holy in name only actually carries. So anyway, the head back to town, where everybody else is still too scared to do anything (with good reason, if you ask me), and all Hell breaks loose. Well, sort of. This is easily the most action-packed section of the film, but even here things just feel a bit flat and unexciting, which isn't helped by the constant use of slooooooow moooooootion. Boll has a tendancy to fall in love with certain tricks and special effects, and he was really into slowing down time when he made this one. At least there's no Bullet Time. Preacher and Slime Bag die within minutes, it's worth pointing out, so they were worth bringing in. I like how useless all the heroes are in this thing- The Sheriff gets bit, Rayne gets knocked out and shot, her new friend from the prison cell gets hung, and now these two. Even the cowardly Mayor gets shot the second he grows a pair. These are really people worth rooting for. There's one good bit, where Rayne bursts into the room where the kids are being held, only to find them all hanging from nooses rigged to a trap that sprang to life the second she opened the door, forcing here to stay where she is holding the rope in order to stop them all dying. It's quite ingenius really, and one of the kids actually does die because of it, and is then fed on by Billy, as he attempts to goad Rayne into letting go of the rope and joining him. It's spoilt however by how long it goes (over five bloody minutes!), and in the end all she does is jump and cut all the ropes with her blade. Couldn't she have done that right at the start, before the boy died and Billy had a chance to feel up on her?

The fight between the two is now on, and it's quite an intense showdown, but like everything else, it goes on too long and is plagued with slooooooow moooooootion. The end is at least cool, with Garret cutting Billy down with A GATLING GUN and Rayne sticking a stake in him. The surviving kids return to their families, and the next day, Rayne leaves to travel to Tombstone to help Wyatt Earp deal with The Clinton Gang (who are also Vampires in this awesome, awesome universe), leaving the town in the hands of Garret and Pyles, who is inexplicably the new Sheriff. The movies last line? "Newton, life is like a penis- when it's hard you get screwed, when it's soft you can't beat it." Actually that's not the last line, the last line is Pyles saying, "I gotta right that down!" So have I?

So, does this movie aide me in my theory that Boll improves with every movie he makes? Well... yes and no. It's better than "House of the Dead" and "Alone in the Dark," I don't think saying that would get me into too much trouble. But it still falls foul of the sins that blighted "In the Name of The King," that being terminal dullness, and here you don't have the big name actors to distract you or the occasional fun fight to break things up. The acting is either hammy or vacant, the script outright drops the ball several times with regards to logic (how come tere were any humans left in the town? Why didn't Billy have them all changed?), and don't even get me started on the presentation. Actually, do- the film has some of the most distracting, shakey camera work I've ever seen. You know when you can tell this is happening intentionally, that the director wanted it that way stylistically, so as to give the film a kinetic energy? Well, that wasn't what they were going for here, I'm sure of it, it's just a case of the guy holding the damn thing couldn't stop twitching. Maybe he was bervous, and if that's the case I hope he never works on a big picture, otherwise he may cause an Earthquake.

FINAL VERDICT

BINNED!

No, I haven't emptied my bin since the last time. It was only three days ago. STop shaking your head at me, you're not my Mother.

Until next week (thankfully), I'm The Cheap-Arse Film Critic, and where the hell are you from? Krypton?

(PS- First Killer Film review up here. Y'know, just incase you want to read it. Again, for some of you.)

The Cheap-Arse Film Review #25- "CAMP BLOOD 2."

NAME:CAMP BLOOD 2

RATING: 18

RELEASED: 2000

WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY: BRAD SYKES

STARRING: JENNIFER RITCHKOFF, GARRETT CLANCY, MISSY HANSEN

GENRE: HORROR SLASHER

BOUGHT FROM: POUNDLAND

PRICE: EVERY RATIONAL IMPULSE I'VE EVER HAD

I've seen alot of bad movies in my life. It's just the law oF averages, when you see as many as I do a year, you come to terms with the fact that not all of them are going to be masterpieces. Sometimes I'll even go to see a bad movie intentionally, such as last January when me and my regular cinema buddy (hello Dean)(why did I just say hello to you? You've told me point-blank that you never read these) went to see "AVP2: Requium." We were under no illusions, we knew we were about to see a bad movie, but as he put it, "Sometimes you have to see something bad to remind yourself what good is." As it turned out, that movie was even worse than either of us anticipated and inspired me to write up a quick review and send it to some of my friends in an attempt to keep them from even considering watching it.

The worst movie I've ever seen goes by the name "Feardotcom." Oh where to start when talking about this one? Well, firstly the plot is about as obvious a rip-off of the "Ringu" movies as you're ever going to see, with the killer video replaced by a kiler website. Then there's everything else. Literally. Everything else. There is nothing good to say about this film. The script is moronic, the acting is atrocious (and in the case of Stephen Rea, provided by somebody who should have known better)(YOU WERE IN "THE CRYING GAME!"). Set design and cinematography combined to give the whole thing a look I affectionately refer to as "Se7en: The Animated Series." And to top it all off, there's one massive medical inaccuracy in there that anybody who knows me knew was always going to get my goat. I don't feel like going into it here, just thinking about it is bringing my blood to a boil. I just wanted to put all that down so you could see what I judge all the bad movie against. If we're going to measure things on a percentage scale, I've probably seen more bad ones since I started this project than I have at any other time in my life. But in terms of actual quality, yeah, films like "Cheerleader Massacre" and "The Social Climber" were bad, but they're not in the same league "Feardotcom." They don't even play the same sport.

To date there has been only one movie that came in any way close to challenging that giant. It failed, but it at least found a home in my top five worst movies of all time, which even "The Social Climber" couldn't do. That movie was "Camp Blood," and the only reason it didn't take the number one spot is because it was clearly made with no money by people who didn't have a clue what they were doing, and I felt like showing a little mercy. Infact, I recently reread that review, and "merciful" is a good way to describe it, because even though I gave it a bad write-up, I could have gone on for hours savagely ripping it a new one. I think it's because I was still really new to this at that time and, I dunno, I felt bad about shitting on somebody else's work. I'm over that now, don't worry, and I'd actually like to go back and give it the going over it deserves. But it's too late, I've thrown it away, and I'm not buying it again. So I suppose it's sequel will have to pay for its sins.

Even before I'd put the bloody thing in my machine, my heart sank whilst reading the back of the box, seeing the running time listed at 90 minutes. "Oh sweet Jesus," I thought, "it's longer than the last one. Nearly twenty fucking minutes longer." Thankfully, when I finally fired it up, I noticed two things- 1) the main menu was far easier to navigate than it was on the first one (I COULD SEE WHAT I WAS SELECTING!), and 2) once the film started I was informed that it actually only lasted 73 minutes, which was a pleasent surprise if nothing else.

This installment begins almost identically to the last one, with two people, a male and a female, completely unrelated to the plot, walking through a forest. Sadly unlike the last time they're not birdwatchers, but rather just a boyfriend and girlfriend out on a stroll. The dude complains that he's hungry, so they sit down at the side of the trail. He has a drink ("Lemon and Lime! That's my favourite!") and before long he's telling her that where they are right now has a gory history, that it's known an Camp Blood, due to the fact that woman went crazy here last year and killed nine people and NO NO NO NO NO!!!! THAT IS NOT WHY IT'S CALLED CAMP BLOOD!!!! IT WAS CALLED CAMP BLOOD BEFORE THOSE MURDERS HAPPENED, BECAUSE OF A KILLING THAT TOOK PLACE YEARS PREVIOUSLY!!!! HOW CAN SOMEBODY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SCRIPTS TO BOTH MOVIES SCREW UP THE HISTORY OF HIS OWN FILMS SO BADLY?!?! Oh God, I'm less than a minute-and-a-half into this and already it's got me yelling at the screen.

Deep breath.

Okay, maybe I flew off the handle needlessly there, maybe the script only had him mention this at all so he could set the practical joke he was about to attempt (more on this in a minute) into some kind of context, but I'm less willing to cut this film any slack because the first one regularly made a complete hash of it's own continuity, and this just seems like more of the same. Anyway, after telling her about the horrors that occurred there, he excuses himself to take a leak. At least thats what he tells her, the truth being he has a clown mask in his bag and intends to put it on and scare the shit out of her. As jokes go, I can appreciate this one. Sadly, he doen't get the chance to extract any fun out of it, as when he gets back to where she's sitting somebody has already got to her and slashed her throat. He looks at her in horror, slowly removing his mask.He then touches her, as if to say, "Are you okay?" only to have her body slump to the side, which made me laugh. He's then killed when the unseen attacker runs him through from behind with his knife. This is worth talking about because they had this exact same effect in the last movie, and when I was talking about the very few things there that I thought deserved some praise, I singled that effect out as looking decent for what they could afford. Here though it looks silly, as they linger on the wound and him grabbing at the knife too long, so we get a good long look at just how fake the torso is in the close-up scenes. So yes, the filmmakers actually managed to screw up something they got right the first time around. The mask the guy was wearing gets trampled on by an unidentified pair of feet, the the camera pans slowly to the left and we see the original mask the killer wore lying on the ground. The Clown From Slipknot has returned!

Following the credits (which happen over footage filmed with the mask pulled over the lense in a lame attempt to make this look and feel all first-person), we're reunited from the sole returning, um, star from the first movie, that being Tricia (Jennifer Ritchkoff). She too is walking through the forest, as dry ice swirls around her. She looks confused and upset (get used to this, it's her default facial expression) and appears to be looking for something, eventually finding the Clown mask just lying in her path. She approaches it, reaches over to pick it up, only for A HAND TO COME OUT OF THE GROUND AND GRAB HER WRIST! She pulls away screaming (which she's really good at, it should be mentioned), and then... something comes out of the ground. I think it's supposed to be a zombie, but it doesn't look like one. It looks more the the Djinn from the "Wishmaster" movies. God what I wouldn't give to be watching one of those right now. Anyway, whatever this is, it picks up the mask, puts it on, and then runs after Tricia, knife in hand. She eventually comes to a dead end, that being a cliff, and turns around to see The Clown From Slipknot s nowhere to be found. Okay, killer popping up behind her in three, two, one... THERE HE IS! She gets grabbed, screames and...

... back in the room! Or rather the nut house. I didn't really go into much detail about the first film's ending, mostly because I was bloody sick of the thing by that point, but the gist of it is, Tricia was accused of performing the killing herself and locked up in the funny farm, which would seem to be where she still is. Her doctor hears the screaming and comes to check on her, before telling her she has a visitor. She thinks it's "another shrink," but as it turns out, it's a movie director. He goes by the name Worth Milligan (Garrett Clancy), and he's come to Tricia and the whole hospital with a very outlandish request- he wants her to come to Hollywood and help him make his movie in a Technical Advisor role, which he's basing on the tragedy the year before. Yes, this movie is going META OUTTA NOWHERE by having the main plot based around a group of people essentially remaking the first film. Which is exactly how it's presented, as the script we hear people reading from is word-for-word perfect with actual scenes from part one. It's never explained how Worth would know all of this in such fine detail without having been there himself, but to be honest I was just pleased the film didn't use this as an excuse to go down the sub-"Scream" road and be all knowing and wink-wink nudge-nudge.

Tricia is reluctant to go along with this plan, asking what's in it for her, his answer being that she could finally get her story out there and have people believe it. When she questions why anybody should believe what she says just because it's now a movie, Worth wheels out, "Two words- BLAIR. WITCH." (wow, this movie just time-stamped itself...). She still doesn't seem convinced, and he becomes more-and-more crazed in his attempts to convince her, at one point telling her she's bigger than Manson (I assume he meant Charlie and not Marilyn), and then telling her he can get her out of there under his supervision, prompting the doctor to step in and tell him he can't, and even if he tries he'll oppose him. THEN WHY DID YOU JUST SIT THERE AND LET HIM SAY ALL THAT THEN?! Surely there's something unethical and a bit dangerous in letting somebody get your patient's hopes up like that, especially when they're believed to have committed brutal crimes. Any doctor worth his salt would have heard the first few words of this pitch and told the guy to fuck off.

Tricia is then lead back to her room, where she has a flashback to the events of the last movie. This goes on forever as we're shown what feels like almost whole scenes from beginning to end, but interestingly there seems to be a theme to them, that they all end with somebody telling Tricia she's nuts for believing The Clown From Slipknot exists. It would seem from this that they were trying to plant the seed that maybe Tricia is crazy and that she did really kill all those people last year, which I would be fine with and might even have found an interesting twist... were it not for the fact that we've already seen The Clown From Slipknot kill two people whilst Tricia is still locked up, thus making it impossible for her to be the killer. This movie. Anyway, she has a change of heart and asks to speak to Worth again, and before you know it, we're in LA (as identified by a far-off shot of the HOLLYWOOD sign and some footage of LA traffic)!

Worth is going ahead with his movie, holding auditions with actresses in order to fill out his cast, an act he and his cameraman Shemp (the superbly-named Ken X) are carrying out when we catch up with them. The scene is an exact duplicate of one from the first movie, and it's acted terribly, but here's what baked my brain- the scene they're recreating was bad the first time around as well, but there it was supposed to be good, whereas here it's terrible on purpous, so does this mean that this scene is technically speaking an improvement on the first one, just because it's being carried out the way it was intended to be? Is anybody following me here?

Wow, Melenie Griffith just appeared on my television selling some kind of Pilates equipment. That was a nice little distraction. Anyway, back to the movie.

Finally, Tricia shows up with her doctor. I was pleased to see him there, because I was afraid she'd just show up on her own even though it's believed she's some kind of violent murderess. At least this way she has some supervision, I thought. Then Worth asks the doctor if he'd like something to drink, and he replies, "I won't be staying, I'm just dropping Tricia off." HE JUST DROPPING HER OFF! HE SAID ALL THAT STUFF ABOUT TRYING TO KEEP HER LOCKED UP, AND NOW HE'S JUST RELEASING HER BACK INTO THE WILD WITHOUT ANY SUPERVISION! Dear God, they're not even trying. So she's there, and already she gets freaked out by Shemp fooling around in the Clown mask. This dude, it should be mentioned, is a total charicature, an alcoholic who makes everybody feel uncomfortable from the first time they meet him until he... well, we'll get to that later. The film obviously wants us to think he's the killer, which is why I discounted him instantly. I had my money on Worth at this point, for what it's, um, worth. After the doc is gone (and not seen again), the first thing Worth has Tricia do is go through pictures of actors and choose who she thinks would be perfect for Steve. Of course, being asked to pick an actor that looks just like her dead boyfriend doesn't have a completely positive effect on Tricia's mental wellbeing, and as she's doing this she has another flashback, begins to freak out and says she needs some fresh air, practically running out of the room.

It outside on the balcony that she meets Adrienne (Missy Hansen), an actress who says she's come to audition for a role in the movie. They exchange some banal pleasentaries, and by the time this scene had finished I'd decided she's the killer. It all just felt so random and pointless that the only reason for it to exist was for it to later be revealed to have had more importance than anybody realised. So, she turns up to audition, only to be too late, as the last role has been handed out to a really old, haggard-looking woman in a zebra-print top. Don't worry sweetie, happens to us all. So of course the next thing that must happen in the Zebra Lady has to die, and sure enough the next scene starts in her kitchen, with her talking on the phone and chopping up a banana with a very big knife. I don't know wy she's doing this. Maybe she's going to make herself a banana sandwich. I could go for a banana sandwich right about now. We then cut to her bathroom, where she's getting ready to step into the shower, allowing the director to show us he's improved in how he shoots nude scenes by coaxing her out of the bottom half of her clothing, too (also, helloooooo obvious breast implant scars). In between these scenes, the camera work goes all first-person again, showing somebody sneaking into her house, getting as far as her kitchen, before seemingly being scared off by her phone ringing. She gets out of the shower, answers the phone to find nobody's on the other end of the line, drops her towel (of course), bends over to pick it up, and OH MY GOD THE CLOWN FROM SLIPKNOT IS STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER! Even though she walked into the room in such a way that she'd be looking directly into the kitchen, and there didn't appear to be anywhere for him to hide. So he kills her, choking her a little bit, then stabbing her with the knife she was using to chop up that banana. I wish it wasn't so late, I really fancy that sandwich now.

It now the next day, and Tricia shows up at Worth's office to meet the rest of the cast- there's Lance (Mark Overholt), a cocky wannabe ladies man who's playing Steve, Vanessa (Jane Johnson), the initially prim-and-proper object of Lance's affections who's playing Tricia, and Todd (Timothy Patrick), the only person who seems a little bit put out at the thought of being around Tricia, playing Jay. They're one cast member missing due to the fact that she's dead, and Tricia uses this chance to try and get Adrienne in the picture. Worth says sure, and hands her a pile of actresses photos, saying if she can find her amongst those, call the attached number and get her down there that second. Tricia runds off to another room and starts going through the pictures, finding hers and calling her. All seems to be going well, until The Clown From Slipknot shows up and starts chasing Tricia around the building, drawing the attention of the others. This turns out to be a red herring, as it's really that weirdo Shemp behind the mask, who falls to the floor giggling when he's discovered. Somehow this gets smoothed out, and the next time we see Tricia she's in a car with Worth and Shemp, driving to the camp, where Worth mentions that they're really going to be staying at for the entire shoot. This is the straw that breaks the camel's back for her, and she puts her foot down, saying she's not staying there. Like the bastard that he is, Worth says that's and that he'll have Shemp drive Tricia back to the insitution if that's more to her liking, which is enough to bring her back onside. From here the movie grinds to a hault for a bit as the next few scenes consist of then filming a scene that ends with Shemp drunkenly assulting Vanessa during the filming (which I think is supposed to get a laugh, because y'know, alcohol-induced man-on-woman violence is a riot),and then a scene around a campfire where we get another fucking flashback scene, this one narrated by Tricia as she explains the events of the last film to everybody. How much more screen-time are we going to get dedicated to this? Did the people behind this really think there was a chance that they might have a few viewers out there that hadn't seen the first one?

There is one mild piece of liveliness in between all this when we're introduced to Patrick (Patrick Thomas, here working under the name Courtney Burr), who's supposed to be an assistant or something. He's a fat, annoying piece of shit, who I couldn't decide was supposed to be a stoner or just suffering from some kind of mental instability, as he yo-yo'd from being stupid-but-friendly one minute to threatening to punch out the entire cast and crew the next. His stay in this film is a short one though, as he's sent off to get food for everybody (where they want him to do this in the middle of a forest, I've no idea), and he decides to slack off and smoke a joint, where he's discovered by The Clown From Slipknot. Thinking this is Shemp, he offers him a toke and ends up GETTING HIS FUCKING HAND CUT OFF, WITH BLOOD SPRAYING EVERYWHERE AS IT NOW LAYS ONTHE FLOOR STILL CLUTCHING THE DOOBIE! Okay, that... that was great, there's no other word for it.

More deaths follow, and in traditional slasher fashion, the occur after a boinking, when Lance finds himself in a tent alone with Vanessa and she reveals herself to be something of a sex fiend when she starts peeling his shirt off. He's also not what he appears to be, as he ends up cumming within seconds of her climbing on top of him and being branded "all talk." So she kicks him out of her tent, where he's hacked to death, and she soon meets a sticky end when she has a knith thrusted into her muth and out the back of her head. Believe it or not, I'm going to offer the movie a little bit more praise here- when I covered the first one, I made note of the fact that, for a slasher, there wasn't much slashing going on, and we ended up with the hilariously lopsided situation where the movie had less the twenty minutes to kill off most of the main cast. Here, there have at least been killings, and they've not all happened at the same time, they've been scattered around a little bit. So, yeah, pacing. Seemingly the only thing Brad Sykes learnt in between his first movie and this one.

The remaining five wake up the next morning to find Lance and Vanessa gone without a trace, which I don't buy, because I refuse to believe there was no blood or anything to be found. There's some more freaking out, with Todd (not unreasonably) suggesting that Tricia might be behind this. She flies into a rage, and following this the project is abandonned, with Worth the only person remaining at the camp site, where he too meets his end at the hands of The Clown From Slipknot when he gets the top of his head carved open. Tricia returns, feeling bad about leaving him, only to find that he... gone without a trace. Okay, this is getting stupid now. Where's the fucking blood? I saw a large puddle of it collect around Worth's head. You're telling me that was dealt with in this amount of time? Bullshit. From here the kills come thick and fast, with Todd getting his throat slit in a stream, and Shemp, after drunkenly trying to rape Tricia, getting his eyes plucked out byhis own broken booze bottle. Tricia herself is the attacked, but rather than geting killed, she's just knocked out, waking up surrounded by the dead bodies of the people she was working with. Well, almost all of them.

Yep, as I expected, Adrienne turns out to be the killer, her reason being that she's the sister of Harris, the killer from the first movie, and refuses to believe Tricia's story. Show reveals her plan (which isn't worth going into here), and how she only originally planned to kill Tricia, but when she killed Zebra Girl, the thrill of the first kill proved addictive and she...

... wait... that was her first kill? The woman from the audition, she was the first person she killed? That's what she's saying? THEN WHO KILLED THE TWO FUCKING PEOPLE AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE?! WHO?! WHO?! WHO?! WHO?! WHO?! WHOOOOOOOOOOOO?!?!?!

FUCK!

THIS!

MOVIE!!!!

I'm done with it. Tricia kills her by setting fire to her then hacking her with her own knife. Adrienne then gives her the clown mask in the most casual manner possible under the circumstances, then the movie ends.

As much as I freaked out at the end there, to be fair, this is an improvement on the first "Camp Blood." But that's like saying, when the bomb isaboutto drop, blowing your own brains out would be an improvement on having to survive in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. This is an appalling movie and the people behind it's making should be ashamed of themselves, frankly.

FINAL VERDICT

BINNED!

Thankfully there is no "Camp Blood 3." However, I recently (like, 30 seconds ago) discovered that Brad Sykes is still making movies, is most recent being "Plaguers" in 2008.

I think this could be the beginning of an absolutely horrendous friendship.

Until Wednesday, I'm The Cheap-Arse Film Critic, and I'm every nightmare you ever had, I'm your worst dream come true, I'm everything you were ever afraid of.